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Report: every warrant officer in the Army is still worthless

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A comprehensive study released today of all motor pools, supply shops, and personnel stations in the Army concludes that every single warrant officer in the service remains totally and infuriatingly useless.

The main finding comes without great surprise, but a key observation has raised concerns that warrant officers may in fact waste resources and reduce readiness and morale.

“We’re talking costs around paying and giving benefits to these officers, but we’re also talking about the collateral damage of giving them any power or authority whatsoever,” said Devin Wilson, lead author of the exhaustive 7,000-page RAND study.

Wilson points to measurable losses incurred when leaders break anything near them in a fit of rage at the dearth of utility they find in their warrant officers.

“The very existence of a warrant officer is fraud, waste, and abuse, according to our research,” he added.

The study, “which of course excludes helicopter pilots, who are awesome,” surveyed and observed every non-aviation warrant officer in the Army for a five-year period and concluded that the prototypical subject had the “smugness of a top-of-his-class West Point lieutenant combined with the laziness and apathy of a three-times-non-promoted staff NCO.”

The report also indicated that a warrant officer’s propensity to do anything helpful at all diminishes exponentially with each promotion.

DuffelBlog reached out to over 2,000 active Army warrant officers and their supervisors for comment, but only two responded.

“This isn’t my job,” a warrant officer said.

His supervisor stated simply, “I don’t know what that guy does, and I don’t want to ask because he’s pretty terrible to talk to.”

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