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Cyber Command’s first offensive operation: bombing China with dick pics

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FORT MEADE, Md. — U.S. Cyber Command released details today of its plan to discharge millions of dick pics on Chinese networks in America’s first authorized offensive cyberattack.

The plan is a severe departure from earlier senior leader discussions. The original version involved Cyber Command forcing itself onto Chinese servers, shutting down the economy, and setting up forward operating networks for indefinite local interference. However, younger staff pushed back, noting that an exit strategy was undefined.

Gen. Paul M. Nakasone, commander of U.S. Cyber Command, crowdsourced ideas from his staff. The winner came from one of his few female non-commissioned officers, Cpl. Lana Rodriguez.

“Corporal Rodriguez’s idea of weaponizing phallic imagery at non-routine intervals along random network nodes blew us away. Lucky for us, I guess there really is nothing more offensive than a United States Marine,” Nakasone said.

Operation Tyler Durden involves inserting quick dick snippets at random points along the network over the course of weeks, disorienting and upsetting billions of users. It involves deeply penetrative, enduring network thrusts that maximize damage without blowing the operation’s load in one blitz.

It makes a coordinated Chinese response more difficult because most people cannot fully process a split-second dick on the screen the first few times. Cyber Command can remain undetected longer and inflict more widespread chaos while remaining below the kinetic threshold.

“Smaller payloads also allow for faster pull out and clean up,” Rodriguez explained. “Plus, while everyone is busy hurling dicks at China, maybe I’ll get a break from them for a bit. A girl can dream, at least.”

The operation met a slight delay as Nakasone worked to remove Department of Defense network firewalls that blocked access to the best dick pic sites. The new launch date is set to coincide with the Marine Corps birthday as a gift to Defense Secretary James Mattis.

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