FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — An intensive 10 year study completed by a U.S. Army soldier with pus-filled abscesses where his teeth used to be suggests that drinking in excess of eight Rip-Its per day may help humans live longer, sources confirmed today.
Spc. Brett Luers, who was both the subject and administrator of the study, told reporters that he estimates he could extend his life indefinitely by simply drinking the patriotic energy drinks in lieu of food and water for the foreseeable future.
“I think the results speak for themselves,” said Luers struggling to stand at the dais while addressing reporters. “Only Rip Its have touched these lips for the past 10 years, and I feel amazing.”
Luers told members of the press that there were times he should have rightfully died, but he credits the heavily caffeinated “wonder serum” with saving his life.
“There was that one time when [Pvt. 1st Class] Peters stabbed me after I bet he couldn’t,” said an emaciated Luers, wheezing into the microphone. “And that other time when I jumped off of the roof of the barracks because I huffed too much starter fluid from the motor pool and thought I was covered in camel spiders. Both times I should’ve been dead.”
“But here I am,” said Luers pointing two sore-ridden thumbs at himself. “Fit as a fiddle.”
While some say that the study’s results are skewed based on the singular sample size, there are those in the scientific community who believe there is a kernel of truth to the research.
“I peer reviewed [Luers’] results and have no idea how he has lived this long,” says Dr. Lydia Brownfield, chief of epidemiology at the University of Michigan’s School of Public Health. “He has been in renal failure for the past eight years and developed scurvy, yet his virility has increased over 500 percent.”
Brownfield gestured to a cork board that contained the information of over a dozen illegitimate children that share Luers’ thirst for dangerously caffeinated energy drinks.
“I have no idea how his reproductive system is functioning,” said Brownfield. “He is a truly a medical miracle, and the only thing I can attribute it to are the Rip Its.”
Luers is currently preparing for a press tour to promote the revolutionary study but will have to delay until his barracks is removed from quarantine. Authorities reported numerous cases of the once-eradicated yaws — a chronic bacterial infection — after a recent inspection of Luers’ room.
Blondes Over Baghdad Contributed to this report.