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Duffel Blog Presents: 26 mythological creatures the troops have heard of but never seen

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If you’ve spent any significant amount of time in the military, you’ve no doubt heard some urban legends and rumors related to the service. These might include sightings of various mythological creatures associated with the military and veteran communities – ones we suspect may exist, like Bigfoot or Nessie, but which have never been confirmed by science. Duffel Blog’s cryptozoology team has compiled a list of the top 26 cryptids we all suspect might be lurking in the wild.

1. A living, breathing chief warrant officer 5
2. A Marine veteran who doesn’t post moto memes on his/her wall after transitioning
3. A retired general/flag officer who doesn’t work for a think-tank or defense contractor
4. A military spouse who legitimately runs a small business
5. An infantryman with a middle-class job lined up after ETSing
6. A special operator who votes Democrat
7. An intelligence analyst who votes Republican
8. An active duty serviceman who keeps going to church after basic training
9. A veteran who is actually well-adjusted to civilian life
10. A Hispanic drill sergeant who isn’t fucking terrifying
11. An Asian infantryman
12. A white equal opportunity advisor
13. A black Navy SEAL
14. An officer who makes PowerPoints with an optimal length and amount of content
15. An MP who knows they’re not a real cop
16. A mustang 2nd lieutenant who doesn’t bring up having been an E-5 in every conversation
17. A Navy SEAL who doesn’t plan to write a memoir
18. A well-endowed service member who also has a lifted truck
19. The guy who put saltpeter in the eggs at basic to stop you from getting a boner
20. An effective chaplain
21. A first sergeant who makes you want to re-enlist
22. An officer and a gentleman
23. A safety briefer who actually starts on time
24. A staff NCO who doesn’t ask questions at the end of a brief
25. A lance corporal or specialist who actually sticks around for police-calls
26. A quiet professional

If you spot one of these fantastic beasts and know where to find them, please inform Duffel Blog so our actual zoologists may go out and document them for science. Thank you for your service.

Duffel Blog reporters Epic Blunder, Dirty, Justin Coates, Dirty Harry, Maxx Butthurt, and The Leg Ranger contributed to this article.

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