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Green Beans Coffee lands $3 billion contract to open 2,000 locations along border

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WASHINGTON  The Department of Defense is granting a $3 billion contract to Green Beans Coffee to complete the construction of 2,000 locations along the border.

The move, which was announced today by Secretary of Defense James Mattis, may signal that U.S. troops will remain at the border longer than originally anticipated. Troop conditions along the border have widely been reported as sub-standard.

“This is way worse than Iraq, at least there we had a Pizza Hut and got a ribbon,” said Cpl. James O’Flannigan who is deployed along the border in Texas.

Mattis cast the move as an employment opportunity for the migrant caravan rapidly approaching the border.

“These folks need jobs,” he said. “What better way to help these young men and women achieve the American dream then to employ them in a coffee shop that serves America’s finest.”

When asked how much the migrants could be expected to earn as Green Beans employees, Mattis whispered, “Their freedom.”

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a senior official at the Pentagon offered another explanation for the contract.

“These coffee shops aren’t near the wall, they are the wall,” the official said. “It was the only way to get Congress to fund the construction.”

Other Defense Department officials speculated that the Green Beans contract was awarded for reasons of expediency.

“Anyone who is deployed knows Green Beans are essentially plywood shacks. They can probably have them all built in a week,” said one staffer with direct knowledge of the move.

Green Beans’ official press release praised the move.

“We at Green Beans are thrilled to expand our business in peacetime. Usually, we have to lobby Congress to start needless foreign wars in order to increase revenue. This peacetime expansion offers a great opportunity to sell terrible and overpriced coffee to America’s heroes,” the statement read.

Green Beans has already started production of a new line of t-shirts, mugs, and sweatshirts that read “I served with honor near Mexico.”

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