Rubber rifle finally gets confirmed kill

CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. – The Marine Corps achieved another military first when a rubber training rifle—more commonly known as a “rubber duck”—achieved a confirmed kill, sources confirm today.

“I’ve trained hard for this moment from the beginning of my career, but it wasn’t my doing, it was the Marines around me and the circumstances that led to this moment,” the rifle told reporters after the historic occurrence.

While rubber ducks have non-fatally bludgeoned countless recruits and officer candidates during obstacle course events, and one forced an entire Air Force base into lock-down, none had previously killed anyone.

The base pool on Camp Pendleton was the scene of the fatal incident. Emergency first responders reported that a senior enlisted Marine drowned during swim qual after becoming disoriented when the rubber duck smacked him in the face.

“I rotated in the guy’s hands and butt-stroked him in the face,” the training aid later explained to its fellow inert weapons in the supply closet. “Then I got stuck on his pack and kneed him in the groin. He went down hard and swallowed a lot of pool water.”

The pool was closed for a safety stand-down for the next 48 hours, though a number of lance corporals snuck in after hours to examine the deadly duck. A box full of blue dummy grenades looked on in envy as the rubber rifle was hoisted aloft.

“We never get any real action,” the blue ball-shaped devices were overheard saying. “Sometimes the guys hold us for a bit and then toss one off, but we never explode.”

As of press time, the rifle was reportedly considering writing a book about the historic occasion titled “Rubber Ducky: Born to Kill.”