SAN ANTONIO, Texas — In response to rising border tensions, President Donald Trump has ordered the National Guard and some active duty units to defend the Alamo against the incoming migrant caravan.
“There is no way we are letting the Mexicans win this time,” said Trump of his 15,000-man force crammed into the five acre historic site 300 miles from the border.
The administration conceded that the centuries-old mission walls wouldn’t provide the ideal defense against the procession of bad hombres, but that it would “just have to do” until the great wall is erected.
“I thought it would be bigger,” the president allegedly whispered to Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Gen. Joseph Dunford, upon visiting the fort.
“It’s not so bad.” said Pvt. Jeffrey Crockett of the Tennessee National Guard. “We’ve got a nice view of downtown San Antonio and there’s even a Cheesecake Factory down the road!”
Two blocks away, the U.S. Navy has been ordered to conduct riverine patrols of the Historic San Antonio River Walk. The service has been tasked with maintaining control of the narrow, Disney Land-esque waterway against drug smugglers and drunk tourists alike.
“War is hell,” shouted an unidentified swift boat sailor, face painted like child at a carnival, cotton candy in one hand, an M-16 in the other, CCR’s “Fortunate Son” blaring from his iPhone speakers.
Trump has faced fierce criticism over his use of force and a supposedly unclear mission.
“This stunt is simply un-American, and I can’t stand for it,” said Nancy Pelosi, Democratic House minority leader, who has gone down to the border town of McAllen, Texas to meet the caravan with open arms and several thousand voter registration forms for the 2020 election.
“It is truly sickening what some people will do for their political agendas.”
At press time, Trump was feverishly planning his next move to secure our borders: setting up a Coast Guard flotilla to defend Lake Erie from the Canadians in the event they “try to pull a fast one like they did in 1812.”