NORTH POLE – Another round of high-ranking elves face allegations of corruption through their association with the known convict Fat Blitzen, sources close to Santa confirmed today.
“This is ho-ho-horrible,” Santa said. “This web of corruption and kickbacks is so pervasive that if I got rid of all the elves who were involved, I’d be left with the two nitwits in the Egg Nog room, Mrs. Claus, and an empty pair of jingle shoes.”
Blitzen, the leader of the network, had been bribing elves to redirect Santa to homes where he controlled critical holiday services such as cookie icing, fudge packing, and caroling.
The elves are charged with accepting inflated pricing on magical glitter flying reindeer feed, milk and cookies for Santa, and inflated rooftop landing fees. With the help of the elves, Blitzen was even able to re-engineer parts of the sleigh so it would only fit down Blitzen-approved chimneys.
Santa has shown leniency towards the elves, downgrading charges of caroluption. Buddy, the last elf to see UCMJ for his actions, was sentenced to pay wreathstatution.
Blitzen is facing up to 8 years on the naughty list in the U.S. and possible candy caning in Singapore.