EL PASO, Texas — Federal authorities have awarded over 30 unfinished Coast Guard cutters to a Texas company to build 12 miles of wall along the U.S.-Mexico border in the Chihuahuita area, sources confirm today.
Texas contractor FLURP Inc. will begin construction of a 418-foot reinforced steel levee wall in January in the agency’s El Paso region using remaining parts and materials from unfinished and unneeded boats, Coast Guard representatives told reporters. The company also will use the money saved from building more Coast Guard vessels to dig a sick moat with alligators and build a super cool draw bridge.
President Donald Trump has promised that the Coast Guard cutters on the border will provide an impenetrable defense against all aspects of illegal immigration and shot down questions of migrants using boats to cross.
“Shut your mouth!” the president said, pointing at a reporter. “They can’t get here on boats. You think those rapists and murders can afford a yacht?”
The section will be the first of Trump’s border barriers in the valley, which is considered one of the busiest corridors for illegal crossings. Other areas have been completed with remnants of discarded F-35 parts.
“The wall will be comprised of several security layers: a broken flight deck camera system, miles and miles of rusted steel peppered with white and red paint, and guard towers built out of discarded non-skid,” Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen told reporters. “We’re also looking at utilizing pursuit boats stacked on top of one another that we otherwise would have used to interdict drug traffickers and a bunch of helicopter blades on top of the wall from Coast Guard search and rescue helicopters.”
Coast Guard representatives agreed with the decision and said they’ve been doing fine fine with what they already have.
“Considering how often these boats leak, it might be the best idea to place these things along the border,” said Capt. Barry Hughes.
“These invaders will be so disappointed once they see this massive impenetrable wall of badassness,” Texas resident and border militia founder Jamie Kearney told reporters. “I mean, how else can they get across our border? I literally can think of no other way of these assholes can get to America. I think we won!”