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Pentagon buys F-35 with unpaid GI Bill benefits

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WASHINGTON — The Pentagon is getting one extra F-35 this year, thanks to the Department of Veterans Affairs screwing thousands of veterans out of GI Bill benefits.

Lord pounced on the lost funds after VA officials told Congressional staffers that underpaid benefits would not be reconciled. Fixing the payment issue would require the VA to audit potentially millions of past claims, which is just too much work. For now, it seems the VA will simply uphold the time-honored tradition of fucking veterans while publicly promising to stop fucking veterans.

“Lethality is the Department’s top priority,” said Ellen M. Lord, under secretary of defense for acquisition and sustainment. “We are one step closer to achieving it thanks to all you soon-to-be homeless and degree-less student vets. Thank you for service and your housing allowance.”

The withheld money was slated for repurposing to the Booz Allen Hamilton IT contract responsible for implementing the glitch-filled payment system, but Lord managed to re-appropriate it to Lockheed Martin instead.

When asked about the impact to current veterans, Lord demurred.

“It’s a terrible situation, for sure, but we’re in the business of creating veterans, not sending them to Columbia University,” she said. “And just look at all those F-35 capabilities. It even has pockets!”

Unfortunately, just enough student veterans received at least partial payment, so the Pentagon can only afford an F-35 Lightning I½. A spokeswoman for Lockheed Martin confirmed that the purchase still counted toward Lord’s loyalty rewards punch card. The Pentagon needs to purchase 94 more Joint Strike Fighters before the defense contracting behemoth throws in free cockpit cup holders.

Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert Wilkie shocked his department with a promise that every last dime would be repaid — no easy task as the Pentagon already cashed the check.

“Good luck with that, Bob,” said Lord, “but for now, mama’s gettin’ her F-35.”

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