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California National Guard declassifies “Bro-Code Talkers”



LOS ANGELES — The California National Guard declassified a top secret cryptologic program today that played a significant role in the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Syria.

The Bro-Code Talkers schoolhouse was established in 2008 on UCLA’s fraternity row after the Army expressed a need to develop greater cryptologic defenses in the face of rising great power competition from Russia and China. Bro-Code Talkers embedded as radiomen with combat units to transmit messages through common phrases and concepts from the West Coast fraternity lifestyle, which is undecipherable to outsiders. The Middle Eastern conflicts served as a proof of concept to test the program’s viability.

“Me and my sergeants just wanted baller pledges we could kickback with,” explained the unit’s founder, Col. Kiefer Brodie, ripping a fat cloud from his juul. “None of those weak boners, like the Fall ’09 class, who narced when we hazed them. Or that kid who died from alcohol poisoning during last year’s rush. That kid sucked.”

The now declassified report translates several examples of the “brocabulary,” which played a key role in the successful execution of thousands of counter-terrorism missions. An expression like “cracking a cold one with the boys,” implies a directive for friendlies to pop smoke during close air support engagements. “Tapping the keg,” is code for a convoy replenishment of food and supplies. “Do you know who my father is?” constitutes a request to speak to higher-ups at battalion headquarters.

School cadre handpicked recruits from high schools around the SoCal area through a rigorous selection process. Candidates were chosen based on a variety of factors including how much they liked the Dave Matthews Band, the number of women with whom they had had relations, but mostly their father’s annual income.

Recruits with the following names were granted automatic membership to the prestigious organization: Kyle, Skylar, Kyler, Chad, Brad, Bret, Chet, Chip, Jake, Bryce, Cory, and Todd.

The highest offense a soldier could commit in training or battle was breaking Bro-Code, which Brodie called the most sacred of commandments and the very core of what the unit stood for. Soldiers who failed to live up to the community’s hallowed standards of being chill were reportedly drummed out of the HAUS (house) in an elaborate ritual involving a paddling gauntlet and a keg of skunked Natty.

“This one time, my pledge brother Tanner hooked up with my boy Randy’s sister, Jessica,” shared decorated Bro-Code Talker, Staff Sgt. Topher Zayne, suppressing tears. “Me and Brayden and them told him how not tight that was and that if he did it again, we’d have to report him. He said we were chill, but a week later, we caught him with Hunter’s ex, Ashleigh. Bro …”

Many have speculated the motives for the program’s recent termination and subsequent declassification, especially after successful fielding in the Middle East. Some blame PC culture, which found fault with the unit’s systematic perpetuation and cover-up of sexual assault at their raucous house parties as well as the community’s stunning lack of racial diversity, inciting some critics to brand them, “whiter than people who say ‘whoopsie-daisy.’”

Despite these claims, many within the organization believe that the program is being retired due to a loss of combat effectiveness in the evolving future of warfare.

“That Vladimir Putin dude … That dude is straight gangster,” commented Troy Vanderbilt chowing down on a plate of “hella good” Indian food. “He’s got a rock band of chicks who follow him around. Bro-code prevents using our powers against somebody who pulls that hard.”

Regardless of the motivation behind it, the special project has come to an end after a storied decade of dominance. As the bros return home to their normal lives and the investment banking jobs offered by their buddy’s dad Rick, they take a moment to reflect on what their service meant.

“Running around in my combat sperrys, the newest iPhone nestled firmly in the cargo frocket of my Reagan Bush ’84 tactical romper, ready to call another bro at a moment’s notice and coordinate fire for our boys on the ground — that’s why I served,” shared Sgt. Kev Jorgenson, staring wistfully into the distance, his OEF visor turned backwards. “Someday, one of my illegitimate children will ask me, ‘Daddy, were you a hero in the war?’ And I’ll say, ‘You can’t prove I’m your daddy. I’ve never met your mother. Here’s ten thousand dollars to shut the hell up.’ But deep down I’ll know … No, I wasn’t a hero. But I raged face in the company of heroes.”

National Guard

Trump deploys National Guard to New York border to block Pete Davidson jokes



HOBOKEN, N.J. — Members of the 444th Mobile Public Affairs Detachment (MPAD), 63rd Army Band, and Family Readiness Program deployed to Manhattan in support of Operation Blind Panderer, sources confirmed today.
President Donald Trump tweeted out a state of emergency after Saturday Night Live cast member Pete Davidson made a lame joke about Congressional candidate Dan Crenshaw’s eye patch, which he wears after losing his right eye to an IED as a U.S. Navy SEAL deployed to Afghanistan.
“Pete never saw a day of combat in his life,” Trump tweeted. “This Country’s great veterans are off limits as your props! I declare a State of Emergency! I’ll take a one-eyed SEAL over a two ‘butthole eyes’ comedian anyway! #MAGA!”
He then ordered a giant photo banner of Dan Crenshaw be hung outside Trump Tower in Midtown and asked Speaker of the House Paul Ryan if he could bump the midterm elections back a week for “national security” concerns.
A memo from New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy to the state’s Air National Guard leadership surfaced later that day requesting a roster of 200 personnel interested in going to see “Kinky Boots” on the federal government’s dime.
The only Guardsmen not currently deployed for hurricane relief efforts, border security or actual war were mobilized Sunday night for training on how to install concertina wire across the Holland and Lincoln Tunnels. An MPAD fire team advanced to 30 Rockefeller Plaza, SNL’s studio location, as a totally non-political show of force and resolved to block Davidson’s anti-veteran jokes.
Trump tweeted authorization for armed responses to any veteran-related jokes in the vicinity of Manhattan. Murphy downgraded the escalation of force options to passive aggressive shrugs. Band members are permitted to shake their instruments in a threatening manner, and artists stealing valor by wearing camouflage will be handled on a case-by-case basis.
“This is a tough situation all around. Dan Crenshaw is a war hero, so federal protection from jokes technically falls under National Guard jurisdiction,” said Murphy. “On the other hand, Pete Davidson lost his firefighter father on 9/11, which kinda started the war, or whatever.”
Duffel Blog reporter WT Door contributed to this article.
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Air Force

Pentagon worries that plunging morale might affect morale

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.



ARLINGTON, Va. — Officials at the Pentagon have expressed concerns that plunging morale among American service members may be affecting service member morale, sources revealed today.

“We at the Department of Defense are deeply worried that the growing apathy of America’s war fighters may have a negative impact on America’s ability to fight wars,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Ed Marquand.

“Though we are at present unsure of the exact root of the growing malaise, our researchers suspect that it may have something to do with almost two decades of perpetual conflict, a gradual decline in America’s international prestige, or endemic inefficiency across the military industrial complex.”

While the Pentagon’s recognition of this growing problem strikes many Americans as a step in the right direction, it remains unclear what actions the Pentagon will take to rectify the issue.

“We are currently exploring a number of possible solutions to increase the job satisfaction of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen,” Marquand said. “Currently, we suspect that if we find a way to make living more bearable for our military personnel, they may actually begin to enjoy being alive. Experiments conducted on laboratory animals and members of the Coast Guard support this theory.”

However, despite the Pentagon’s announcement, there are some across the military who disagree with any attempt to improve the the happiness of military members.

“Morale is a crutch,” an anonymous colonel stated in a recent suicide letter.

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Lance Cpl. Marcus Strudelmeier of 7th Marine Regiment. “If Maj. Whatshisnuts thinks a little press conference will keep me from doing cough syrup jello shots in a desperate attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil, stand the fuck by.”

As of press time, Pentagon researchers were attempting to link overwhelming depression among E-5s and below with poor barracks Wi-Fi.

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Virginia Guard’s 276th Engineer Battalion recognized for outstanding vehicle maintenance program




FORT PICKETT, VIRGNIA — The Chief of Staff of the U.S. Army, General Mark A. Milley, has recognized the 276th Engineer Battalion of the Virginia Army National Guard for outstanding vehicle maintenance, according to senior Pentagon officials.

The battalion’s high vehicle readiness came to the attention of the Army Staff last week, during an individual emergency deployment readiness exercise in Richmond, Va. During the exercise, 1st Lt. Joshua Yabut conducted a two-hour tactical convoy movement in an M577 Armored Personnel Carrier without any prior preparation, except standard preventive maintenance checks and services.

Incredibly, the vehicle remained fully operational throughout the entire exercise.

Lt. Col. Lee Jenkins, commanding the 276th Engineer Battalion, said he could not have been prouder of the performance of the Armored Personnel Carrier during the exercise.

“We don’t get the best equipment. Most National Guard vehicles break down the second you start them up,” Custer said after an awards ceremony. “We’re very proud of our maintainers for keeping our vehicles in this top condition, ready to very literally fight tonight.”

General Milley, before presenting an award to the battalion, said that they should be proud of what they have done.

“At any time, any one of you could be called upon to pick up those vehicles and drive them into battle,” Milley said. “We live in the most dangerous world I have ever seen. Right now, we have to be prepared to face North Korea, China, Russia, Iran, the remnants of the Islamic State, and even Canada is looking pretty threatening right now. You have proven to America’s enemies that you are ready to beat them in any battle.”

Yabut’s actions were “an incredible example of mission command,” according to Lt. Col. Jenkins. “He got the order to make this movement happen from the voices in his head, and executed after only conducting hasty mission analysis using the Army’s Ground Risk Assessment Tool. This is the sort of leadership that I would expect from not just the regular army, but really an elite unit like the special forces. One team, one fight!”

The award presented to the battalion consisted of a puke-green streamer and a signed certificate that Gen. Milley made on PowerPoint.

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Air Force

REVEALED: Tennessee general angered over reenlistment video was abused by dinosaur puppet as a child



gen haston

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Maj. Gen. Terry Haston, the adjutant general for the Tennessee National Guard who ended and ruined several careers over a lighthearted reenlistment video featuring a puppet, has revealed that he was severely mistreated by a dinosaur puppet as a child, sources confirmed today.

The T-rex puppet, worn by his uncle Steve and nicknamed “Dangersaurus,” was the cause of enormous emotional trauma for the young Haston.

“If you experienced the horrors I did, you’d know that we have to stay focused on what really matters in the military, and that’s the perils of dinosaur puppets,” Haston told reporters. “Trust me, if I talked while Uncle Steve was watching TV, Dangersaurus would slap me silly. I didn’t like it, and neither would anyone in our military.”

Haston knows a threat to good order and discipline when he sees it, adding: “Dinosaur puppets are just like tattoos and having fun: an unequivocal indicator of moral depravity and inability to do your job.”

Still, although the woman taking the oath of enlistment has been punished and reassigned for her actions, Haston expressed sympathy for her situation.

“Dangersaurus made Uncle Steve do horrible things too, like inject drugs and shout at Aunt Kathy,” Haston said. “I suspect that our offender would not have recorded such a depraved viral video without the pressures of her dinosaur puppet.”

Dr. Jeff Wolbers, a child psychologist, confirmed Haston’s personal narrative.

“Unlike the controversial video, child abuse is an example of a real, serious, and lasting offense,” said Wolbers. “Haston must have been abused by a dinosaur puppet for an extended period of time because there is literally no other reason to cause more harm to the people involved and their families through punishment than the video caused to begin with.”

When asked why the general had delivered harsher penalties for a harmless video than for actual instances of violence, sexual abuse, or drug use in the military, Haston maintained that was an unfair comparison.

“Unlike this video, those things are done in secret, so I have no way of knowing whether a dinosaur puppet was involved or whether there’s enough publicity for me to care.”

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Air Force

Colonel who gave reenlistment oath to dinosaur puppet forced to retire at same rank as Jeffrey Sinclair



NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Following outrage over a viral video in which an Air National Guardsman reenlisted while wearing a dinosaur hand puppet, Tennessee National Guard Adjutant General Maj. Gen. Terry Haston announced punishments effectively ending the lengthy careers of three senior guardsman, sources confirmed today.

The most senior officer, an unnamed colonel who administered the reenlistment oath, was immediately forced to retire at a reduced rank of lieutenant colonel. This is also the same rank at which Jeffrey Sinclair was forced to retire after making a plea bargain to reduce sexual assault charges to guilty pleas for adultery, mistreating a junior officer, soliciting explicit photos from female officers, possessing pornography in a combat zone, and abusing a government charge card.

“I hope this sends a message to all our soldiers and airman that attempting to inject some light-hearted humor into a sacrosanct military ceremony is a serious offense,” said the portly general, as he reached his hand into a bag of pork rinds.

Haston defended his decision, noting that Jeffrey Sinclair was reduced two ranks, whereas he only reduced the unnamed colonel one rank.

“In my estimation, allowing your subordinate to reenlist with a sock puppet is approximately half as bad as forcing your subordinate to perform oral sex and then threatening to kill her,” said Haston, as he attempted to wipe a mustard stain off of his uniform.

Haston noted his intent is to separate the wheat from the chaff within his organization, getting rid of leaders who he deems lacking in leadership skills.

“We aim to promote good leadership, which is exemplified by actions such as destroying morale within your organization by levying draconian punishments for minor infractions for the sake of political expediency, kowtowing to the whims of social media vigilantes suffering from Outraged Veteran Syndrome, and maintaining a body fat percentage under 45%.”

“I strive to maintain high standards within my organization,” added Haston, as he reached for his second serving of birthday cake.

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Report: Unlicensed Private in driver’s seat ‘pretty sure’ he’s got this




soldier driving

CAMP MCCRADY, S.C. — An Army Reservist on his first annual training told fellow soldiers he’s “pretty sure” this will be easy, after he was ordered to move an unfamiliar vehicle from one side of the training area to another, sources confirmed today.

“Dude, it’s just like my truck at home,” said Pvt. Steven All, pointing to the 11.5-ton M1078 light medium tactical vehicle (LMTV), a military vehicle used to haul supplies, troops, and equipment over rough terrain.

According to witnesses, All reportedly fell “right on his boot ass” before making a second, more cautious attempt to enter the cab of the vehicle. According to another onlooker, All missed the ladder-step “by this much,” indicating a distance of about three inches with his fingers.

Undeterred, All, who completed basic combat training almost three months ago, dedicated the next 12 or so minutes flipping various switches, pressing buttons, and operating levers while trying to start the engine.

“Where the hell do the keys go?” All reportedly asked himself, a question which could have probably been answered by an assistant driver, had All selected one.

“I asked who had a driver’s license, and he was the only one dumb enough to raise his hand. In retrospect, I should have asked ‘who has an LMTV license?’” explained 1st Lt. Travis Rogers, All’s platoon leader. “Whatever. He only needs to move it about 30 feet, how much can he possibly screw it up?”

At press time, the LMTV was on its side and in flames, further from its intended destination than where it started. No ground guide could be found for comment.

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Air Force

Troops save Pentagon over $900 trillion each year, according to performance reports




WASHINGTON — An independent study of military performance reports show service members save the DoD upwards of $900 trillion each year. The savings are equivalent to the GDP of the entire European Union, Asia, and Jupiter combined.

“I think the data is consistent with what we’ve known for a long time,” said Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, affirming the findings. “The value of the men and women that serve our country is incomprehensible.”

As noted in a performance report while he served as the commander of U.S. Central Command in 2012, Mattis saved the Marine Corps over $50 million after suggesting printing on both sides whenever possible.

Savings like this are commonplace among the service branches. Capt. Henry O’Connell, an F-22 pilot at Langley Air Force Base in Virginia, published a safety memo last spring. His one page memo, which prevented an untold number of mishaps, saved the Air Force some $6 billion.

And Sgt. 1st Class David Harrison, assigned to the 174th Infantry Brigade, saved the military more than $200,000 by doing his job. As his performance report explained, the cost of finding and training a replacement for him would have costed the Army thousands of dollars.

Still, several economists have criticized the study as flawed, commenting that the numbers seem inflated. However, none of those nosy economists are trying to make E-7 so what do they know about it anyway, sources said.

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Air Force

Entire military disappointed no one thought to run dick-shaped route in Syria



WASHINGTON — Military service members expressed shock after run routes of troops deployed overseas at secret bases were revealed by a fitness app and not a single one was shaped like a dick, sources confirmed today.

“What is this, amateur hour?” asked Lance Cpl. Alan Briggins, a Marine stationed at Camp Pendleton.

Personal workout data released earlier this week by the fitness app Strava inadvertently revealed running routes from U.S. troops, which outlined everything from secret bases to Patriot missile batteries. Although some service members were upset by the apparent operational security nightmare, many others were angered that not a single one of those deployed soldiers used their personal Fitbit or Apple Watch to help form a giant beef bayonet as they ran.

The news came mere months after a Navy pilot used his jet to draw a massive dick in the skies over Washington State, compounding service members’ disappointment that troops deployed in Iraq or Syria couldn’t jog out at least one “big veiny bastard,” a senior defense official said.

“Ever since I saw the news of sky dick I was hoping that someone would do something like it on the ground,” said 1st Lt. Anthony McCue, an infantry platoon commander. “This is what Go Army, Beat Navy is all about.”

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