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Command climate survey filled out in bile

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FORT BLISS, Texas – Recent command climate surveys from 28th Personnel Services Battalion have proved difficult to compile due to the high proportion that were filled out in bile, semen, and spit, sources confirmed today.

“We’re not really sure what’s going on at the 28th PSB,” said Col. Megan Smith, a spokesperson for army G1 at the Pentagon. “We weren’t able to get many data points from these poorly or incorrectly completed surveys.”

Command climate surveys have been a tool in the army since 2013 and are now usually completed online with a paper option. West Pointer Capt. Keith Konzel had the grand idea to initiate the 28th PSB’s surveys as famously hands-on. The 28th was unique in that the entire unit completed the survey without reminders and a high proportion of soldiers opted for paper surveys.

“It’s really unusual to get so much participation,” said Smith, pinching her nose above a seeping pile of climate surveys. “Soldiers often feel that they can’t be completely honest on the survey.”

The chaplain reports an unusually high number of pastoral care requests for the company, and medics have been attempting to track down a small typhoid outbreak related to a batch of surveys covered in “sick baby shits.”

At press time, G1 was close to compiling the command climate results based almost entirely on the one survey where the bubbles had been filled out to resemble a penis.

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