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Nation’s spies enroll in Trump Intel University after president says they should go back to school

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TIU students photographed during orientation this week. (Source: edu.gov)

NEW YORK — All 17 members of the nation’s Intelligence Community (IC) enrolled in Trump Intelligence University on Wednesday after President Trump suggested on Twitter that they go back to school.

From the CIA and the Air Force Intelligence Service to the Department of State and the National Security Agency, the new students reportedly “giggled with excitement and tried but failed to ‘high five’ each other” at the news of being admitted to such a well-known center of academic excellence.

They all promised the president that they would be diligent in their studies and do very greatly in school. 

Trump Intelligence University (TIU) — formerly known as Trump University — follows its predecessor’s business model by being a for-profit, unaccredited education company. Trump University was open from 2005 until 2010 when allegations of impropriety arose, as well as an assertion that it was nothing more than a bait-and-switch financial scheme. 

School officials assured Duffel Blog that it will not train the IC students in creating bait-and-switch schemes out of its intelligence information, though IC critics contend that’s what the Community does all the time in order to increase funding to its agencies.

TIU begins lessons on Monday. According to sources, the first day’s instruction will cover classification markings, systems of systems analysis, and how to invest in real estate. Future classes will include how to tailor IC reporting to bolster the president’s daily intelligence briefing from Fox & Friends.

The university will also offer — for additional fees — Silver and Gold intelligence packages that teach how to submit legible collection requirements as well as how to train NSA analysts to write reports using words that can be understood by anyone, to include the president.

In other IC-related news, the new students all assessed with moderate confidence that Iran and North Korea are real countries.

Duffel Blog reporters G-Had and Addison Blue contributed to this article. 

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