TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. – A hazing scandal has rocked the Marine Corps Air Ground Combat Center after multiple reports of inappropriate treatment towards junior Marines, sources confirmed today.
The alleged perpetrators, a group of lance corporals with 3rd Battalion, 4th Marines, maintain their innocence, citing their solemn duty as non-commissioned officers to train their Marines.
The group recently returned from a six month deployment to the “central command area of responsibility,” during which they were exposed to absolutely no danger or anything closely resembling combat.
“I just spent six months standing post in Kuwait, do you think I would have been capable of guarding a base in a completely safe and sovereign nation if I hadn’t had a broom stick shoved up my ass as a private?” said Lance Cpl. James Stockton.
“Yeah, how do you think I would have had the mental fortitude to lift twice a day and consume 7,000 calories per meal if I hadn’t been punched in the face by my seniors?” added Lance Cpl. Daniel Gonzalez.
The Marines’ platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nathan White, gave a confusing and contradictory statement.
“Back in my day, this would have been considering training, but you know, you can’t do that shit, but you know, sometimes things happen when they shouldn’t happen, and sometimes that’s the way it is,” he said.
The key witness, 2nd Lt. Joshua Emerson, was standing his first duty when he stumbled across the scene.
“I heard someone yell, ‘You boot fucks are going to learn what it’s like to eat three delicious meals a day and attend Air Force sponsored activities,’” Emerson said. “Then they started shoving cake in their mouths, making them identify the flavor. One Marine said chocolate, but the correct answer was dulce de leche.”
The groups’ commanding officer, Lt. Col. John Q. Kraft, was particularly perplexed by the hazing incident, having spent over 49 hours personally briefing the Marines on the dangers of hazing.
“We did seven consecutive safety stand-downs,” Kraft said. “This is definitely not my fault and should not impact my career.”
Kraft took swift action in response to the incident. He placed one officer and one staff non-commissioned officer on every deck of the barracks for 24-hour shifts. When asked if the new policy may have contribute low unit morale, Kraft scoffed.
“Nonsense, I stood duty every day for three years when I was a lieutenant, these boots need to be tougher. It’s not hazing, its good training,” he said.
The commanding general has already convicted the alleged hazers to two life sentences, despite lacking the authority to do so.
“Hazers don’t deserve due process,” the general was heard yelling within earshot of the base’s frustrated legal team.