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Unit’s position given away by first sergeant’s knees

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FORT IRWIN, Calif. – Eight soldiers were notionally killed during a tactical exercise when their first sergeant gave their position away by trying to stand up from the prone position, sources confirmed today.

“We take good noise discipline very seriously there,” OPFOR commander Sgt. 1st Class Tim Nelson said. “When (1st Sgt. Anthony) Palmer stood up and attempted to take a running step, the obvious crackling sound alerted everyone in four miles and scared a deer away. We had to take the opportunity to teach them a lesson about stealth and attack.”

Palmer’s knees are graduates of the Airborne, Air Assault, and Army Ranger Schools, with deployments to Afghanistan and Kuwait.

“First sergeant’s knees are the crunchiest in the company,” said Staff Sgt. Michael Landry, a squad leader in Palmer’s company. “Mine might pop occasionally, but his sound like a Rice Krispies commercial.”

Soldiers in Palmer’s company have long been hoping that he would stop leading by example to come check on them during exercises while his knees sounded like a caveman rubbing two sticks together to make a fire. While this was the first occasion that a tactical engagement was lost due to the knees, for years, soldiers have been using knee echolocation to know exactly when to stop shamming before their caught.

When reached for comment, Palmer told the Duffel Blog he’d done more in 25 years than any of those kids and threw 800 milligram motrin at the problem.

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