Whale gives Coast Guard cutter ‘the fin’ after being cut off

A humpback whale breaches off the coast of Maui Jan. 16, 2018. Every year humpback whales migrate to Hawaii to find mates and give birth. The main Hawaiian Islands may contain the largest seasonal population of North Pacific humpbacks in the world. (U.S. Coast Guard photo by Petty Officer 3rd Class Amanda Levasseur/Released)

BERING SEA — A disgruntled humpback whale returning from his migration journey has reportedly flipped the Coast Guard Cutter Munro ‘the fin’ in response to a near miss with the large sea mammal, sources confirm today.

“Learn how to sail you fuckin’ psychos,” said the 40-year old sea mammal, acknowledging that he has not seen such amateur navigation since he was a calf.

“There I was just minding my own business when suddenly WHAM here comes this white-ass mother fucker out of nowhere.” exclaimed the humpback. “They act like they own the ocean! Assholes.”

The cutter recently completed it’s fisheries patrol in the Bering Sea when it came mere inches away from striking the whale. Witnesses believe the combination of a newly recruited seaman at the helm and an ensign who is a freshly qualified officer of the deck was the main cause of this careless near-casualty.

“Use your turn signals too you inconsiderate asshats!” the angry marine animal yelled. “I’m a whale, not a psychic.”

The gray-finned mammal also made sure to write down the Coast Guard boat’s hull number and call the agency’s complaint hotline with a heated 5-minute-long moan.

“I swear to God if those jerk-offs disrespect me again I’m going to jump out of the water and show them my junk,” he added.

Slab Squatthrust
When I was 8 years old, my 3rd grade teacher told me I was completely useless. A waste of human space and time taken from those who actually make an effort in this world. She hated me. Well guess what Mrs. Sonderman; fuck you. I hope you die alone and angry. Wait...what am I supposed to be writing here again?