BERING SEA — A disgruntled humpback whale returning from his migration journey has reportedly flipped the Coast Guard Cutter Munro ‘the fin’ in response to a near miss with the large sea mammal, sources confirm today.
“Learn how to sail you fuckin’ psychos,” said the 40-year old sea mammal, acknowledging that he has not seen such amateur navigation since he was a calf.
“There I was just minding my own business when suddenly WHAM here comes this white-ass mother fucker out of nowhere.” exclaimed the humpback. “They act like they own the ocean! Assholes.”
The cutter recently completed it’s fisheries patrol in the Bering Sea when it came mere inches away from striking the whale. Witnesses believe the combination of a newly recruited seaman at the helm and an ensign who is a freshly qualified officer of the deck was the main cause of this careless near-casualty.
“Use your turn signals too you inconsiderate asshats!” the angry marine animal yelled. “I’m a whale, not a psychic.”
The gray-finned mammal also made sure to write down the Coast Guard boat’s hull number and call the agency’s complaint hotline with a heated 5-minute-long moan.
“I swear to God if those jerk-offs disrespect me again I’m going to jump out of the water and show them my junk,” he added.