PARADISE VALLEY, Ariz. — A woman who allegedly sent one man 500 text messages a day over a four-month period has been selected to screen the next generation of warfighters, sources with U.S. Army Recruiting Command (USAREC) confirmed today.
Jacqueline Ades achieved widespread notoriety after bombarding one man’s phone with 65,000 text messages after a single date.
“Ms. Ades demonstrated the unwavering tenacity that we expect of our recruiters,” said Maj. Huey Thomas, a spokesman for USAREC. “Her knack for establishing contact at the most inconvenient times, along with her impressive inability to read social cues and never take ‘no’ for an answer are exactly what the Army needs as we plow blindly into our eighteenth year of sustained warfare.”
Despite having never attended Army basic training, Ades feels that recruiting duty is her calling.
“Once I see something I want, I don’t ever give up,” she smiled unblinkingly. “Ever.”
Ades has already exceeded Army recruitment quotas for Maricopa County by 400 percent since becoming a recruiter last week, though her prospects have been exclusively male.
“I signed up for college and trade skills and stuff, but mostly because [Ades] scares the shit out of me,” said Toby Webster, 19, from Chandler.
At press time, Ades was seen laying in front of a bus full of recruits attempting to depart for boot camp.
Don’t ever leave me! I’ll kill you!” she cried.