MUSHROOM KINGDOM – King Bowser plans to withdraw his airship fleet from World 7 after plumbers Mario and Luigi delivered the koopa king numerous setbacks, sources confirmed today.
“We’ve won victory after victory, from Bob-omb battlefield to the Donut Plains, all the way to Yoshi’s Island. This war has been going on since 1985, and it’s time to bring our brave koopa-troopas home,” Bowser said in a press statement aboard his flying clown car, a massive “Mission Accomplished” banner unfurled behind him.
Despite Bowser’s statements, his top generals insist that they were never consulted on the exit strategy.
“We’ve invested a lot of power-ups into this fight, and the plumbers are still out there,” commented World 7’s boss, Ludwig von Koopa, “I just think it’s a shame to leave our goomba allies to fight this war alone.”
Ludwig and the rest of the Koopa Kids were unceremoniously and permanently replaced after stating their dissent. Yet it appears that many veterans of those levels agree with the brass, claiming that it would be better to dig in and finish the job rather than to prematurely uproot the campaign and halt the forward momentum.
“We lost a lot of good koopas securing the Cheep-Cheep Bridge,” said a para-troopa of the World 8-2 Green Shell Airborne Division, “Hollywood … he didn’t make it. Just walked right over a platform edge during the jump. Shell shock, I guess.”
The military withdrawal has met some unexpected hostility from the Mushroom Kingdom’s more left-leaning denizens. The Blue Toads, who have traditionally opposed military aggression, cannot bring themselves to agree with Bowser under any circumstances. Reports indicate that they have occupied Princess Peach’s castle in protest, demanding free 1-ups for all and forceful redistribution of coins to those “unable or unwilling” to smash blocks. Fortunately, the princess was in another castle.
At press, the plumbers reoccupied World 7 by flying over the entire level in a tanooki suit during a record-shattering speedrun. Bowser plans to relocate his forces back into the region following the release of the next game.