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ISIS leader has volunteers for suicide bombings but no one will read his screenplay

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HAJIN, Syria – In the last 6 years, ISIS leader Abu Omar al-Baghdadi has called for jihad, death to westerners, and martyrdom, but al-Baghdadi now faces his most ambition request so far: notes on his new screenplay, sources confirmed today.

“A Terrorist and a Gentleman” is al-Baghdadi’s first attempt at writing drama. He describes the work as a struggle between the experiential and narrative self that asks “what does it mean to be a terrorist in the 21st century?” He called his work the “‘Casablanca’ of the Arab world,” in an online video.

Unfortunately, that claim has gone unchallenged. After widespread calls for followers to take up 180 pages of heavy dialogue and exposition, al-Baghdadi has not received a single call or email.

“I haven’t read it,’ said a new recruit who asked not to use his name. “I’m not saying I won’t, I just don’t know if I’m going to have time between now and killing myself.”

“Come on just read it,” replied al-Baghdadi when asked for comment. “Seriously, I can take it. I know its good, so you’re not going to hurt my feelings. Just please read it?”

Several ISIS prisoners were offered time outside and extra rations on the condition that they provided constructive criticism. All prisoners responded with name, rank, service number and date of birth.

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