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Optimistic private sees burn pit as half full

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CAMP LEMONNIER, Djibouti – Pfc. Braddock Chase, the highest speed motivator in the 1-167th Infantry doesn’t listen to the haters and draggers and prefers to see the burn pits as half full, sources confirmed today.

“A lot of guys, you know, focus on the bad shit. I focus on how much shit,” said Chase, coughing up a suspiciously dark loogie. “Whatever, maybe the burn pits aren’t as dank as the old timers talk about, but they’re still burn pits.”

Chase, a PT stud who volunteers for every additional duty, is also known for having the best e-mail signature block in the battalion. Half full, half empty, full of diseased dead camels or just human shit, Chase is always willing to see the best in his situation.

“Chase just won’t stop,” said Sgt. Maj. Ted Hopper. “Some guys would see a bunch of cocks drawn in the port-a-shitter and only notice that there’s no balls. But not Chase. Chase would focus on all the dicks.”

When reached for comment, Chase was leading his squad patrol despite his oozing eye infection in his left eye, preferring to focus on how well his right eye was working.

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