Coast Guard icebreaker draws first sea penis

ARCTIC OCEAN – U.S. Coast Guard Petty Officer 3rd Class Shannon Eubanks (left) instructs Petty Officer 2nd Class Ed Traver (right) on ice rescue techniques Wednesday, Oct. 3, 2018, about 715 miles north of Barrow, Alaska, in the Arctic. Ice training is required to qualify as a member of the ship's ice rescue team, which protects crew members and scientists conducting work in the Arctic. The Healy is underway in the Arctic with about 100 crew members and 30 scientists to deploy sensors and semi-autonomous submarines to study stratified ocean dynamics and how environmental factors affect the water below the ice surface for the Office of Naval Research. The Healy, which is homeported in Seattle, is one of two ice breakers in U.S. service and is the only military ship dedicated to conducting research in the Arctic. (NyxoLyno Cangemi/U.S. Coast Guard)

ARCTIC SEA — The Coast Guard icebreaker USCGC Polar Star achieved a world first by drawing a sea penis north of the Arctic Circle, sources confirmed today.

“This thing was huge. I’m talking huge. Easily bigger than any wimpy looking sky penis out there. You can see it from space. That’s right. Space. We’ve tagged it on Google Earth and everything,” Polar Star Capt. Don Simmons told reporters.

The Coast Guard released over fifty pages worth of comments similar to that one, generally repeating the same sentiments of pride and going into detail to describe the achievement.

Strategic Command confirmed that the penis can, in fact, be viewed from space

“We couldn’t believe it. There it was. Beautiful. Vascular. The sons of bitches had done it. We openly wept,” STRATCOM wrote in a press release.

The move now stands as one of the greatest achievements of the Coast Guard. It may go down in history as a day that the Coast Guard stood in defiance of all other branches with pride.

Simmons took a swipe at the Marine Corps with his closing comments.

“We would like to take this moment to thank our parents, the United States of America and to issue a challenge to the Marines. Your move!” he said.

As For Class

As For Class is a man named Ashley. When he isn't working as a correspondent for The Duffel Blog he also writes fiction, which can be followed at