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Coast Guard

Coast Guard icebreaker draws first sea penis

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ARCTIC SEA — The Coast Guard icebreaker USCGC Polar Star achieved a world first by drawing a sea penis north of the Arctic Circle, sources confirmed today.

“This thing was huge. I’m talking huge. Easily bigger than any wimpy looking sky penis out there. You can see it from space. That’s right. Space. We’ve tagged it on Google Earth and everything,” Polar Star Capt. Don Simmons told reporters.

The Coast Guard released over fifty pages worth of comments similar to that one, generally repeating the same sentiments of pride and going into detail to describe the achievement.

Strategic Command confirmed that the penis can, in fact, be viewed from space

“We couldn’t believe it. There it was. Beautiful. Vascular. The sons of bitches had done it. We openly wept,” STRATCOM wrote in a press release.

The move now stands as one of the greatest achievements of the Coast Guard. It may go down in history as a day that the Coast Guard stood in defiance of all other branches with pride.

Simmons took a swipe at the Marine Corps with his closing comments.

“We would like to take this moment to thank our parents, the United States of America and to issue a challenge to the Marines. Your move!” he said.

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