Congress sets voting, gun ownership, drinking and enlistment age at sixteen
WASHINGTON — Politicians celebrated after Congress voted today to lower the age a person can join the military, own a weapon, and drink thirty cans of Keystone Light before staggering to a voting booth.
The new cutoff is sixteen, allowing wasted high-school sophomores to participate in and die for American democracy.
“Just imagine the thrill of a sixteen year-old teenage person who is now an adult participating in our wonderful Democratic Party — err, our democratic voting process,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.).
Democratic presidential candidate Robert “Beto” O’Rourke (D-Nothing) quickly agreed.
“I believe that when adults previously known as minors are allowed to vote, then they should be able to get hammered at sixteen,” he said, “like I totally did with my boarder friends and my punk band and my hacker friends. Did you know I was in a punk band? Could you let these new adult voters know how cool that was?”
“I support gun ownership and have always recommended firing a shotg…
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