WASHINGTON — Politicians celebrated after Congress voted today to lower the age a person can join the military, own a weapon, and drink thirty cans of Keystone Light before staggering to a voting booth.
The new cutoff is sixteen, allowing wasted high-school sophomores to participate in and die for American democracy.
“Just imagine the thrill of a sixteen year-old teenage person who is now an adult participating in our wonderful Democratic Party — err, our democratic voting process,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.).
Democratic presidential candidate Robert “Beto” O’Rourke (D-Nothing) quickly agreed.
“I believe that when adults previously known as minors are allowed to vote, then they should be able to get hammered at sixteen,” he said, “like I totally did with my boarder friends and my punk band and my hacker friends. Did you know I was in a punk band? Could you let these new adult voters know how cool that was?”
“I support gun ownership and have always recommended firing a shotgun through the door,” said Joseph Biden (D–Swimming Nude), while groping tweeners at a campaign rally/sex den. “And so should these remarkable girls, who will soon be allowed to see my door and fire on me, baby.”
Finally, pacifist and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton delighted the nation when she noted that military service goes hand in hand with firing guns.
“I believe that the younger the soldier, the greater the chance for them to die for my — I mean our — sometimes psychotic agendas,” she told reporters. “If only we had drunk, voting sixteen-year-old enlistees in my time, then we would have killed Gaddafi — for no good reason — even sooner than I wanted.”
At press time, few sixteen year olds were reported to have joined the military, purchased a gun or registered to vote. However, liquor stores across the nation were reported to be overwhelmed by teens looking for sugary, alcohol-based drinks with a fruity taste and a caffeine kick.
“I’m mixing Rip-It with everclear before I report to the Corps,” said one new recruit. “That’s what my vetbro daddy recommended.”
U.S. Marine Corps Staff Sgt. Maryann Jose (left), administration specialist with Alpha Company, Headquarters and Support Battalion (H&S Bn.), Marine Corps Installations West (MCI-W) , Marine Corps Base (MCB) Camp Pendleton, and Staff Sgt. Andrew Rundle (right), operations chief with H&S Bn., MCI-W, MCB Camp Pendleton guides Isaac Perez, a student from Lincoln Middle School through the “maneuver under fire portion” of the combat fitness test during the Oceanside Unified School District (OUSD) Day at the Paige Fieldhouse, MCB Camp Pendleton, California, Oct. 17, 2018. The OUSD Day was hosted by Camp Pendleton Marines, and provided school students from the surrounding local area with an opportunity to experience military oriented activities involving team building and mentoring. (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Lance Cpl. Drake Nickels)
A sixteen-year-old Marine Corps recruit carries a pistol and ten miniatures of vodka during a combat fitness test at Camp Pendleton, Calif. (Source: DVIDS)