NORFOLK, Va. — A vocational warfighter who completed some mandatory training is ready to shoulder the burden of defending the American people, sources confirmed today.
Boatswain’s Mate First Class Drake Washington has devoted the past nine years of his life to honing his person into a lethal instrument of justice, spending a conservative estimate of 18,000 hours on online training requirements and safety briefs.
Command staff aboard USS Bataan stressed that the defining difference between the highly-trained military professional who has never sexually assaulted anyone and a veritable piece of shit are countless hours of rigorous instruction.
“I’d also like to emphasize that Petty Officer Washington utilizes Operational Risk Management on a daily basis and has never once deep-fried a frozen turkey on Thanksgiving,” stated the Bataan’s Safety Officer, Lt. Cmdr. Chuck Parsons. “These safety-conscious and risk-averse warriors are the backbone of our Navy and driving force in ensuring our maritime supremacy.”
Washington’s strict adherence to Bushdio demands elevated cyber awareness and an unwavering commitment to the “0-0-1-3” drinking rule. His superhuman discipline and martial prowess have enabled his mastery of the baser human impulses to rape and download myTunes that would consume lesser men, according to Lt. Rochelle Santiago, the Bataan’s training officer.
Above all, the warrior monk’s code of conduct upholds his solemn vow to never be “that guy.”
There is, however, at least one downside to training the entire Navy to such an impeccable standard.
“We hemorrhage talent and our retention efforts can’t keep up,” said Naval Education and Training Command spokesperson Lt. Camille Schwartz. “You’d be amazed how many organizations in the private sector are looking to hire decent human beings.”