Pentagon announces war lineup through 2030


The aircraft carriers USS Ronald Reagan (CVN 76), left, and USS John C. Stennis (CVN 74) lead ships of their respective carrier strike groups as they transit the Philippine Sea during dual carrier operations Nov. 16, 2018. The Ronald Reagan and John C. Stennis are underway and conducting operations in international waters as part of a dual carrier strike force exercise. The U.S. Navy has patrolled the Indo-Pacific region routinely for more than 70 years promoting regional security, stability and prosperity. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Kaila V. Peters)

WASHINGTON – The Pentagon released today the official lineup of planned U.S. wars through the year 2030.

Policymakers state that the primary goal of the project, known as the ‘Murican Combat Upsurge (MCU), is to regenerate public excitement over the military industrial complex.

“We haven’t had a real, classic blockbuster war since World War II,” said President Donald Trump. “Sure, the Gulf was okay, but that was a small, made-for-TV war. I like big wars.”

Phase I of the MCU will kick off with a series of brief, solo engagements coming to a variety of combat theaters near you.

“We’ve got to get the audience, I mean the taxpayer, emotionally involved with the different players,” said the program director J.J. Abrams, “NATO is a storied franchise with a lot of history, something those hacks trying to reboot ‘The Warsaw League’ just don’t understand.”

Abrams revealed that Phase I will culminate in a massive global conflict starring an all-star cast of NATO members. Reviewers have called the project the most ambitious crossover since the Power Rangers met the Ninja Turtles. Under the working title, “World War III” is set to release in late 2023, likely premiering somewhere in the Middle East.

In 2026, the Department of Defense plans to reboot “America: Revolution,” an origin story described in pre-production as a gritty take on the bloody rebellion for national independence.

“Remakes are tough; I know better than anybody,” Abrams admitted. “Just look at the Iraq franchise. We’re wrapping up our third try in 30 years, and we still can’t figure it out. I’m sure we’ll take another crack at that one soon enough, though.”

Planners have set a sequel to the 2023 NATO war due out in 2027. Forces of the West, led by eccentric billionaire Elon Musk, once again combine their powers to combat a vague threat from outer space. The engagement will feature Trump’s new Space Force, which keen-eyed fans will recall was teased in the post-credits scene of Operation Inherent Resolve in 2018. Easter egg enthusiasts can also look forward to recurring cameos from beloved former-Defense Secretary Jim Mattis.

At press, despite the rallying cries of deranged fanboys across the internet, there is still no word about a possible sequel to Civil War.


Roger Wilco

Pilot, Writer, Stay-at-home Astronaut
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