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The new intel analyst is weirder than the chaplain’s assistant

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Army Chaplain in the Field

FORT BENNING, Ga. – Soldiers in Headquarters Company, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 3rd Infantry Division are in unanimous agreement that the new intelligence analyst has dethroned the chaplain’s assistant as the company’s top oddity, sources confirmed today.

Spc. Eric Pridemore, the new all-source analyst, raised a few eyebrows when he arrived at the unit clad in a movie quality Kylo Ren outfit. Days later, Pridemore wowed onlookers on the brigade PT field with a flawlessly choreographed lightsaber duel, playing both sides himself.

“He seemed normal enough at first, you know … for an intel analyst,” said Pfc. Jeremy Kelly, Pridemore’s roommate. “Then I started noticing some pretty strange stuff on his side of the room. Even odds he’s a furry and I’m pretty sure I saw him throw a shovel, pickaxe, and a bag of lye in his trunk when I was walking back from the bar last Saturday night.”

Spc. Harold Ware, the unit chaplain’s assistant, was unavailable for comment regarding his fall in status. Ware, a 38 year-old juggalo, has 11 children and was once spotted in full insane clown regalia at the local Wal-Mart. His master’s thesis at Trump University was a comparative analysis between Juggaloism and the Coptic Christian Church. Ware was the company’s top weirdo due primarily to the creepy way he lingered around young female soldiers, his pencil thin mustache, and his characteristic taco and stale cat urine musk.

“Ware always gave me the willies,” said brigade chaplain Maj. Lester Kretchman. “And I went to seminary in Boston, which should speak for itself. But this new kid is a whole new level of strange. Even the mortuary affairs soldiers won’t talk to him, and I have heard some shit from them in confession … if you know what I’m saying.”

Eyewitnesses claim the new analyst was last seen moderating a debate with himself while sitting in the dining facility. When the brigade commander asked if he was okay, Pridemore reportedly hissed, made and maintained eye contact with him, and swallowed a whole banana.

Soldiers in the unit plan on conferring a “weirdo emeritus” status for Ware and believe Pridemore will only be replaced when he is arrested for beating his holographic anime wife or, more likely, promoted out of the unit.

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