PENSACOLA, Fla. — After a gut-wrenching selection process, Ensign Pierce A. Stinkfeld was chosen as a student naval aviator, sources confirmed today.
Stinkfeld, who graduated last year from the University of Missouri with a double major in flatology and ungulate digestion, was also enrolled in Naval ROTC where he received rank honors.
“I’ve been preparing for this my whole life,” Stinkfeld said as he sniffed the air. “From those clumsy days of crop-dropping in Ms. Stummerfurz’ third-grade class to winning the state ‘North by Northwest’ award as a high school junior, I’ve been dusting off home plate since I was in diapers. Now, I’m ready to throw caution to my recently-released wind and have a career in the U.S. Navy.”
Stinkfeld noted that he’s exploring various fleet aircraft options.
“I’m looking at rotary wing because of the awesome downdraft,” he said. “But I’m also considering the F-35 for its killer afterburner turbofan. I can really foul up an enemy’s day with that.”
Stinkfeld is also looking forward to getting his callsign.
“I bet it will be something cool like ‘Danger’ or ‘Snake,’” he said with an overconfidence normal reserved for newly-commissioned American heroes.
However, instructor pilots seemed certain that Stinkfeld will be forever known as ‘Beefwalk.’”
“Don’t quote us on that,” said one. “But it’s in the fart jar, so to speak.”
Stinkfeld was last seen arguing with the station commissary manager over adding more selections of asparagus, gummi bears and beans.
“It’s for everyone’s digestive health,” he said right before hustling up the baby food aisle for no apparent reason.