LASHKAR GAH, Afghanistan — Gesturing the “peace” sign and telling fellow fighters that he was “totally done with this insurgent stuff, man,” hippie Taliban defector Ahmad Khan got incredibly stoned, sources confirmed today.
“Bro, did you ever just think, like, what are we doing it all for?” asked the totally lit former IED maker seconds before being stoned to death by his compatriots. “Like, did you ever think, what if we’re the bad guys and the Americans are the good guys? Or what if we’re actually both the good guys but we just don’t understand each other? Like, whoa. Damn, I’m so high.”
While many of Khan’s fellow insurgents empathize with his desire to reject the establishment and live a life of “free love and groovy tunes,” departing the Taliban to pursue an independent and off-the-grid lifestyle comes with its costs.
“Brother, I’ve got mad respect for Ahmad and everything he’s trying to do by sticking it to the man. I went through a bit of a ‘free spirit’ phase myself when I was younger,” said fellow Taliban fighter Muhammed Tarklani. “But we’re totally going to have to stone him to death. I mean, you can’t just leave the Taliban to go get high and listen to music.”
Khan’s parents attempted to convince the Taliban that he was going through a phase, and that within a few months they would make sure he finishes his classes at Berkeley and gets a job at his father’s law firm.