We’ve all been there — standing around formation, smoking, joking, putting your hands in your pockets, not realizing that you’re about to get called for urinalysis. Should you have gone to get a wax last night instead of playing video games and drinking Monster? Probably, but now you’re going to have to show off that bush to most of your command team. Unless …
Here are five easy tips from Duffel Blog to skip urinalysis until you can get a high and tight for your low and loose.
- Find the barracks aesthetician:
Every unit’s got ‘em — the guy or gal that probably shouldn’t be offering European waxes or Brazilian sugaring from their barracks room, but it’s quick and saves the day. If you’re lucky, the barracks aesthetician is also on the piss list, and can knock out a quick strip before you’re done chugging Gatorade. You can probably get a quickie tattoo with SkilCraft ink at the same time. Just don’t expect a warm towel when you’re done.
- Create a religion:
This tip comes from Marine Corps Lance Corporal Kelsey Miller, who popped on the urinalysis list when her pussy was looking like a Devil Dog. “I just made up a religion where women are only allowed to trim and never wax,” Miller told the Duffel Blog. “To really sell it, I had to make up a jayjay trimming hymn that I sing to myself during urinalysis.” Sources report that Miller now gets special religious accommodations for the holy month of Bushtember and will be giving the invocation at Staff Sgt. Miller’s promotion ceremony.
- Keep your hands over your fur at all times:
This one works great for guys or gals! Nothing to see here, just cover it up Adam and Eve style. Your cock watcher doesn’t really want to look. And, if he does think it’s odd that you always cup yourself to pee, ask him repeatedly why he doesn’t.
- Go AWOL:
There’s no way that you could live with the shame of presenting your body in its natural state to a disinterested third party. This is what you do. You leave your CAC and grab the little urine sample bottle. You fill out the label correctly. You walk with the observer with the cup visible. You get to the designated bathroom. As the observer stares at the floor while you drop trow, you run. Don’t pull your pants up, just run. Keep the cup visible at all times. When you hit the front gate, strip off the rest of your uniform. Leave the cup. Assume a new identity. You’re free now. Finally free.
- Test positive for drugs:
You’re going to need to squelch the rumors about your wild crotch woodlands with another, moister rumor. Nothing beats the stigma of pubes quite like actually testing positive for drug use. Here’s the best part — there’s a waiver to stay in after testing positive for drugs, but there’s no rumor for looking like a 70s porn star! Let the paperwork catch up, soldier.
- Fake an Abortion:
For all people in the military like to talk about abortion, no one actually knows what an abortion is. When your name comes up on the urinalysis list, tell your first sergeant you can’t test because you are having an abortion right at that minute. In the chaos and confusion, let everyone know that it’s a women’s right to safe and timely access. Wheh! Dodged that close call.