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Coast Guard

Teen becoming officer so he can tell his enlisted stepfather what to do

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ST. LOUIS— Charlotte High School graduate Devin Jaskot will soon enter the Coast Guard’s Officer Candidate School this July for the sole reason of bossing around his fat piece of shit stepdad, Petty Officer 1st Class Carl Barnes, sources confirmed today.

Jaskot’s mother married Barnes in 2016 with much protest from Jaskot. Despite his claims that Barnes was a lazy and pathetic excuse of a man, Jaskot was required to attend his mother’s wedding, with Barnes wearing a wrinkled dress bravo uniform.

“That’s when I took a vow to enter the Coast Guard’s officer training so I can out rank this asshole and tell him to go clean the head,” said Jaskot. “He calls me ‘buddy’ and ‘sport’ and winks at me at the dinner table like some greasy pedophile sailor.”

Barnes is a 15-year E-6 who met Jaskot’s mom on eHarmony while stationed in the Upper Mississippi Coast Guard station.

“We had our first date at the Macaroni Grill, and when we connected on our mutual love of ‘Burn Notice,’ I knew she would be my wife,” said Barnes when asked about his relationship with Jaskot’s mother.

Jaskot’s intentions to join the Coast Guard have the support of his stepfather.

“I’m actually very proud he’s joining the Coast Guard. He’s such a bright and enthusiastic young guy who can do some great things if he puts his mind to it — even though he’s a little impatient with me and calls me Petty Officer Mouthbreather when he sees me in uniform.”

“Can you believe I was 3 years old when he enlisted in the Coast Guard?’” said Jaskot. “Once I graduate, I’m going to walk right up to his pudgy subhuman body and tell his gelatinous fat ass to scrub the decks. Then I’ll provide him some drive-by tasking, busy work, and a whole bunch of micro-managing. I’m going to make his life a living hell!”

In addition to Devin Jaskot, a DOD survey found that roughly 16% of all Officer Candidate School applicants are motivated by outranking piece of shit family members who are a complete waste of space.

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