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Time Sensitive

Army strategists much better at planning fantasy wars instead of war in Afghanistan



Game Of Thrones Intelligence Briefing

WASHINGTON, DC – Sources suggest the current crop of Army Strategists are experts at the strategic implications of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Game of Thrones, despite being wholly unable to comprise a coherent plan to stabilize Afghanistan at any point during the last 18 years.

This fact was brought to light by Gen. Austin “Scott” Miller, the commander of US forces in Afghanistan, who was a guest speaker at the Army Worldwide Planners Seminar earlier this month in Washington, DC.

“Look, I don’t care how many essays, books, and blog articles you all have written over the years about the strategic implications of The Last Starfighter or whatever the fuck. You’ve had 18 years to defeat an insurgency in the poorest and most sparsely-populated area on the planet and we’ve actually gone backwards!”

Gen. Miller then punched one strategist in the throat after he tried to explain that Afghanistan’s rampant corruption made it a “hive of scum and villainy” not unlike the Mos Eisley spaceport in Star Wars.

“I know you fanboys all circle-jerked over that article about the use of fire-breathing dragon airpower during the Battle of Winterfell which was posted literally 20 minutes after the episode was over. That doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to use one of our precious three dragons – which cost about two hundred million Gold Dragons by the way – to destroy a $500 drug lab.”

Miller then alluded to the failure of science-fiction strategy to bolster the ranks of the US Army as it grew from 490,000 soldiers to 570,000 over the span of just a few years.

“And I admit, I actually went along with the idea to increase the size of the Army by 80,000 troops in the span of a few years by growing a clone army, like one of you wrote in a blog post 10 years ago. That was before you guys decided to cut corners and grew a bunch of clones who needed felony waivers and couldn’t pass their damn PT test.”

“And for the love of God, what genius thought it was a good idea to equip the Afghans with our aging, surplus Y-Wings – which you all seem to be obsessed with for some fucking reason – even though they didn’t have the ability to fly them, maintain them, or even the basic literacy to read the fucking manuals?”

“Did you ever see an Ewok fly a Y-Wing? And no, the Expanded Universe doesn’t count.”

At press time, Gen. Miller had stormed off the stage before the next presentation, “Pikachu vs. Squirtle: What Electric Pokemon and Water Pokemon Can Teach Us About Asymmetric Warfare.”

Time Sensitive

Agent Penis reassigned after CIA intruder blows his cover



CIA Agent Penis

LANGLEY — Central Intelligence Agent Richard Penis has been reassigned to administrative duty after a woman compromised his secret identity by trespassing on CIA headquarters and requesting to speak with him, sources confirmed today.

The woman, who demanded that Agent Penis return her ID, claims to have been unaware that she was blowing Penis’s cover.

Agent Penis’s supervisor, Harold Balzac, lamented losing such a talented young agent in the field.

“Someone like Penis only comes once in a blue moon. It’ll be a shame for him to get screwed into a desk job now.”

One peer of Penis, however, who spoke on condition of anonymity, felt as though the outcome was deserved.

“Richard probably did steal that woman’s ID after a night out where he openly suggested he was in the CIA. He’s always been a cocky jerk like that.”

The CIA Headquarters, which Balzac claims is nigh impregnable, hopes to abort future penetrations sooner.

“On the bright side, we now have the foresight to circumscribe these types of intruders,” said Balzac. “While Penis was certainly shafted, this woman’s behavior has been seminal to our new security measures.”

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Chelsea Manning comes out as cisgender, asks Trump for clemency



ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Chelsea Manning has come out as a heterosexual man and is asking President Donald Trump for clemency, sources confirmed today.

Manning, who once orchestrated the largest intelligence breach in U.S. military history, is currently in federal custody for refusing to testify against WikiLeaks and the recently arrested Julian Assange.

“As we know, Chelsea is a tremendously courageous person,” said Manning’s lawyer Mena Finelli. “But right now, he is the only straight man in a jail full of women. Can you imagine? It’s unconscionable.”

Speaking at a rally in Lima, Ohio, Trump indicated he would not entertain Manning’s latest request.

“Only an idiot or a traitor would get involved with WikiLeaks. Trust me, I know,” the president told his supporters amid chats of “lock her up.” “And besides, Chelsea is locked up with a bunch of women. What is there to complain about?”

Meanwhile, the public reaction has been every bit as fluid as Manning’s gender.

Joshua Shleemi, a former pro-Manning activist, expressed doubts about Manning’s sincerity.

“We stood with Chelsea from the very start when she first betrayed her country,” he said. “But we never thought Chelsea would pull a stunt like this just to appeal to the president. She turned her back on us, her allies. Chelsea is a traitor! A gender traitor!”

The military community has expressed similar sentiments.

“That traitor doesn’t know the meaning of sacrifice or selfless service,” said Michael Polk, who recently separated from the Marine Corps after failing a drug test during boot camp. “She never stood for anything, never risked anything for what she believed in.”

While it is anyone’s guess what trouble or gender will befall Chelsea Manning in the future, one thing is abundantly clear — everyone now agrees she is a traitor.

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Retired General Quixote warns of threat posed by windmills of mass destruction



NEW MADRID, Mo. — Retired Lt. Gen. Donald Quixote urged the Pentagon not to underestimate the emerging new WMD threat — windmills of mass destruction, in a statement to reporters today.

Quixote thanked the president for bringing attention to the national security threat and expressed hope that the international community would condemn the blatant proliferation of windmill technology to nation states known to cause instability in their respective regions.

“Evidence of recent windmill construction in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Syria is incontrovertible,” Quixote said. “I myself have read the reports and seen the aerial surveillance. It’s clear that even North Korea has availed themselves of this dangerous technology.”

Secretary of Energy Rick Perry in a rare display of coherence urged caution in universally condemning windmill technology.

“People said I wasn’t quote unquote ‘qualified’ to be secretary of energy, but under my leadership, Texas became one of the world’s largest wind energy producers in the world. Are they suggestin’ there’s something wrong with Texas?”

After being assured that nobody in his vicinity cared about Texas, Perry clarified that he fully supports the president and that his remarks were being taken out of context.

“It is clear that detractors and doubters of the WMD threat know little of the true ways of the world,” added Quixote. “Our steadfast commitment to peace and global good shall prevail over evil, if only we continue to support leaders who have the stomach for it!”

NATO member states responded that they literally could not even.

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Marine Corps

Marine officer says Marine units should use LSD to gain edge over enemy



PENTAGON — A Marine officer recently stirred up controversy by suggesting that Marines employ the use of LSD in current warfighting engagements and Pentagon officials are considering turning to the novel approach, sources confirmed today.

LSD, or dock landing ship, is a transport ship capable of carrying a complement of 400 Marines and several amphibious landing craft with the potential side effect of seasickness.

Maj. Emere Albayarak, an officer with Marine Corps Intelligence, Surveillance and Reconnaissance Enterprise, submitted a study highlighting the combat benefits of LSD, stating that the vessel can provide troops with the “psychological and mental edge” needed to achieve absolute victory in addition to the ability to project air and ground power from the sea.

Critics claim that Albayarak has likely spent too much time experimenting at sea.

“Afghanistan is a landlocked country committed to the opium trade,” said a Department of Defense spokesperson. “There is absolutely no reason to introduce 16,000 tons of LSD to that region of the world.”

Albayarak remains unswayed.

“Though the idea is radical,” he wrote, “it must be understood that this is neither a sideways attempt to allow Marines to float aimlessly nor a half-baked attempt to recreate previously failed wars in Afghanistan.”

Photo courtesy of the eagle-eyed investigative journalist, Lieutenant Dan.

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Judge won’t hear case on faulty combat earplugs



DES MOINES — Despite a class-action lawsuit victory for combat veterans against 3M for selling earplugs they knew did not work, local judge Michael Lois will not hear the case of an individual soldier who is almost completely deaf, sources confirmed today.

“Hearing loss is a natural part of aging, and I see no evidence to the contrary,” Lois shouted at reporters in his quiet office. “Back when I served, we didn’t even believe in earplugs and hearing loss, and we ended up just fine.”

David Ross, the soldier bringing the case forward, reached out to an attorney after seeing hundreds of ads on his Facebook feed about the deficient ear protection.

“As a two-forty gunner, the 3M earplugs were so useless I didn’t even wear them after the first month,” he wrote in an email to reporters. “My disability rating from the VA for hearing loss is nice, but it’s certainly not enough to make up for the fact that I don’t want to work anymore and have to play video games on full volume in my parents’ basement for the rest of my life.”

Lois believes the legal system will function properly in everyone’s interests.

“Even if the case came into the courtroom, the young man’s arguments would fall on deaf ears,” Lois noted over the full-volume ringing of his phone, to which he was oblivious. “It sounds to me like he’ll get enough compensation through the class-action settlement.”

For veterans who believe they may be entitled to some portion of the class action payout, contact the attorneys responsible to collect your $.94 check.

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Nation’s cryptologists emerge from SCIF, predict another month-long government shutdown



National Security Agency NSA

FORT MEADE, Md. — A brood of cryptologists bravely poked their heads into the warming rays of the winter dawn before seeing their shadows and predicting an imminent government shutdown, sources with the National Security Agency confirmed today.

“It’s going to be a long winter, but you’ll have plenty of time to think on it!” portended fair-skinned analyst Phillip G. Hoggs before scurrying back into the welcoming depths of the Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility (SCIF). “At least a month!”

The ominous declaration follows on the heels of the longest government shutdown in U.S. history, casting a perturbed wave of trepidation throughout the federal workforce. Unclassified reports state with a “high degree of certainty that the probability of a potential government shutdown can be confidently assumed as ‘likely’ to ‘very likely’ to happen.”

“Just a reminder, you may be subject to a ten-percent penalty if you elect to take a Financial Hardship Withdrawal from your Thrift Savings Plan,” chimed in linguist Mary Mots while slathering herself in sunblock.

One source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, divulged information from classified reports forecasting an utter impasse between the Democratic and Republican parties concerning funding for the President’s border security objectives. Such a deadlock would fulfill long-foretold prophecies for the greatest year in bipartisan American politics.

“At least we’re still getting our paychecks at the NSA,” the unnamed source concluded.

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Level 63 Paladin granted religious exemption to grow neckbeard



FORT MEADE, Md. – A sailor successfully petitioned for unrestrained growth of his facial hair on the grounds of religious expression, sources aboard Cryptologic Warfare Group Six revealed today.

The Navy’s controversial determination allows the pious sailor to keep with his World of Warcraft (WoW) faith as a devoted servant of the Holy Light and follows closely on the heels of a recent decision by the Air Force granting a Muslim airman the right to wear a beard.

“Lo, a glorious day for Azeroth, indeed, that I might champion the cause of my brothers,” declared local holy warrior, Quest4Cameltō, squeezing one of the many pustular follicles erupting from the pubescent tangle of greasy, unkempt hair below his chins.

Quest4Cameltō, a paladin from the holdfast of Stromgarde, goes by the title of Cryptologic Technician (Interpretive) Seaman Kevin Dietrich in the material world and practices the foreign tongue of ancient Mesopotamia, providing translations and intelligence reports for further analysis.

“Alas, please refrain from addressing me as such,” the godly knight requested. “Verily, I am but a lowly Level 3 peon amongst the uniformed ranks of the Navy, but here,” he said, with a sweeping gesture towards his two, 32-inch 4K UHD monitors, “Here, I am a mighty Level 63 guardian of justice, smiting the wicked and dealing swift retribution to the minions of the Burning Legion.”

WoW is a massively multiplayer online role-playing game worshiped by many sailors and members of the intelligence community. Practicers assume alternate identities as mighty heroes and intrepidly embark on mystical quests with friends and strangers in the pursuit of loot and experience points.

“This is my life,” said Dietrich, proudly sporting the facial hair customary to males of his order.

Grooming standards have prohibited sailors from growing beards since 1984, although medical exemptions have been granted on a case-by-case basis for sailors afflicted with pseudofolliculitis barbae — colloquially known as “razor bumps.” The relentless and unforgiving skin condition predominantly affects Black Americans and service members who deliberately shave against the grain in order to obtain a no-shave chit.

Dietrich had long fought to rectify the injustices the Navy levied against his religious beliefs, according to colleagues, and ultimately resorted to filing a grievance under the Equal Opportunity Program.

“Who am I to stand between a man-child and his god?” asked Gerald Housemann, inspector general for U.S. Fleet Cyber Command. “These determinations must be divined by powers greater than mine own.”

The resplendent paladin’s case is the latest in a flurry of efforts by the Navy to relax grooming standards, including permission for male and female sailors to wear their hair in man-buns and ponytails.

As the quest for unchecked religious equality presses on, Dietrich was spotted at medical seeking exemption from the Body Composition Assessment.

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Veteran with PTSD can’t believe he never thought to murder innocent people before




BOULDER, Colo. — A local veteran was seen shaking his head in disbelief at the number of years that have passed before he reached the crystal clear conclusion that he needs to murder the shit out of some innocent civilians minding their own business, sources confirmed today.

“It’s so obvious now, I’m really actually quite embarrassed,” said Trevor Hernandez, a Colorado native who completed two tours in Afghanistan and was sent home during his third deployment for traumatic brain injuries suffered from an IED blast.

“I can’t begin to even describe the catharsis I’ve yearned for since being thrust into the horrors of war,” he added. “The simple notion that the closure to my living nightmare may be waiting at an ice rink, or perhaps a happy family venue like a Chuck E. Cheese’s, has really lifted my spirits.”

Hernandez was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in 2012, and has lived with his parents since getting divorced in 2015.

“I always told him that he needed to find a healthy outlet for all of that pain,” said Hernandez’s mother, Gloria.

“Something that provides a sense of purpose and community,” concurred her spouse, Javier.

Hernandez’s parents were elated to hear that their son might at long last find peace.

“We were terrified that he might become another statistic,” admitted Gloria.

At press time, Hernandez was allegedly floored by the novelty of suicidal ideation.

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