WASHINGTON, DC – Sources suggest the current crop of Army Strategists are experts at the strategic implications of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Game of Thrones, despite being wholly unable to comprise a coherent plan to stabilize Afghanistan at any point during the last 18 years.

This fact was brought to light by Gen. Austin "Scott" Miller, the commander of US forces in Afghanistan, who was a guest speaker at the Army Worldwide Planners Seminar earlier this month in Washington, DC.

“Look, I don’t care how many essays, books, and blog articles you all have written over the years about the strategic implications of The Last Starfighter or whatever the fuck. You’ve had 18 years to defeat an insurgency in the poorest and most sparsely-populated area on the planet and we’ve actually gone backwards!”