Baby boomer jet realizes it may never be able to retire

U.S. Air Force Senior Airman Alexander Horrocks, 11th Aircraft Maintenance Unit crew chief, gives a thumbs up to a departing B-52 Stratofortress at Nellis Air Force Base, Nevada, Dec. 11, 2018. As part of the total force integration model, Horrocks, an active-duty Airman, served alongside Reserve Citizen Airmen maintainers from Barksdale Air Force Base, Louisiana to support the biannual Weapons School Integration exercise. The Airmen work alongside one another both at Barksdale AFB and in forward locations. The TFI leverages the continuity and knowledge base of the Air Force Reserve to serve as a force multiplier. (U.S. Air Force photo by Master Sgt. Ted Daigle)

MINOT, N.D. – After reviewing its Thrift Savings Plan statement and a growing pile of maintenance bills, a B-52 bomber broke down, realizing it would likely never be able to retire, sources confirmed today.

The B-52, known officially as the “Stratofortress” but colloquially as “BUFF” (for Big Ugly Fat Fucker), first flew in 1952 and joined active service in 1955, making it one of the longest serving aircraft in the U.S. military.

On the 67th anniversary of its maiden flight, the bomber confided to friends that it planned to retire so it could revisit old targets, spend time with its grandchildren, and eventually settle down in southern Arizona. However, increasing tensions between the U.S. and Russia, along with the bomber’s failure to set aside money for the future, led to the B-52’s decision to stay in the service until at least 2029.

“I’ve got a leaky fuel bladder, and my wings are really starting to sag,” the B-52 groaned during a pre-flight inspection. “But my country needs me, and to be honest, I didn’t really plan for retirement. I guess I always thought I would die during the Cold War, burning in after dropping a nuclear load on those commie bastards.”

The bomber’s decision to stay in service required the Air Force to program an additional $14 billion in modernization funding to cover the cost of its electronics upgrades, CPAP machine, and recurring erectile dysfunction prescriptions. The B-52 is not the only aircraft disappointed in its decision.

“Some of us Gen X aircraft are ready to step up and take the reins,” said another long-range strategic bomber who wished to remain anonymous. “But that selfish clunker just doesn’t know when to leave. Even worse, it struts around the gym locker room with no pants and spends most of the day at maintenance appointments.”

Sadly, the B-52 is not the only aircraft that will continue to work well past its intended service life. The UH-1 Huey retired in 2016 but immediately began work as a contractor in places like Afghanistan to supplement its income.

One of the B-52’s pilots, Lt. Col. Jim “Scruff” Weakley, said the bomber recently began investing in gold and started a reverse mortgage, but that it will likely continue to work until it dies on the job or wins the Mega Millions jackpot.

Whiskey Fueled Tirade
Ranter, writer, and small-time idea grifter. You are probably a bit dumber for having read his alcohol fueled, long-winded diatribes. Follow him @FueledTirade on Twitter