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Bolton cites his avoiding war in Vietnam amid criticism that he’s pro-war



Ambassador John Bolton

WASHINGTON, D.C. — National Security Advisor John Bolton on Wednesday cited his avoidance of going to war in Vietnam in response to criticism that he is a warmonger intent on starting military campaigns in Venezuela, Iran, and over 100 other countries, sources confirmed today.

“If I like war as much as you all say I do, wouldn’t I have jumped at the chance to take part in one, instead of joining the reserves to avoid being deployed?” Bolton challenged reporters during a press conference on Tuesday.

Bolton went on to reference his distinguished record of not going to war, sources said. He presented reporters with a copy of his Yale 25th Reunion Book, in which he wrote that he avoided service in Vietnam because he “had no desire to die in a Southeast Asian rice paddy.”

However, Bolton was quick to clarify that comment had nothing to do with his feelings about other people dying in a Middle Eastern desert.

“I absolutely hate war. War is a last resort, which is why I am calling on the Venezuelan and Iranian regimes to change their tune or we will bomb them back to the stone age.”

“We, meaning, other people of course,” Bolton clarified. He also told reporters that he only wanted to start wars with 87 countries as well as the headquarters of the United Nations — a far cry from the 100 possible military campaigns he’s reportedly been planning since elementary school.

President Donald Trump made a surprise appearance during Bolton’s press conference and made a brief statement. This display of unity was meant to counter reports that the two men had butted heads over whether to manufacture a justification for invading Iran or to dispatch with pretenses and just send it.

“John and I are very good friends. He’s a very fine friend of mine. We’re Vietnam-Era friends, actually,” Trump said. “But let’s not forget that no one dodges the draft as well as I do. Everyone tells me I’m the best, really, at that sort of thing.”


OPINION: We shouldn’t build any new nuclear weapons until we use the ones we already have



By Senator Tad Raskill (I-Ill.)

President Trump has called for upgrades to our existing nuclear warheads as well as production of new nuclear weapons. This is a mistake. America should not produce any new nuclear weapons until we have used the ones currently in our stockpile.

To that end, I’m calling today for the immediate nuclear bombing of all of our enemies, past, present, and future. From England and Germany, to Iraq and Syria, to China and the Maldives, we should spend our arsenal, which until now has been one enormous waste of money.

Democrats should embrace this plan to fight global warming, because the eradication of billions of polluting, gas-emitting humans (and cows!) will certainly help prevent the eventual global warming apocalypse—some good ole nuclear winter may even reverse some of the present effects. Since Democrats love helping the poor, they also should be happy with an unprecedented and merciless donation of billions of dollars worth of highly-enriched uranium, plutonium, and other rare fissiles to the world’s poorest inhabitants. A more dollars-to-product efficient foreign aid program, there has never been. It will also act as the mass, retroactive abortion of billions at once, so Democrats should love the idea.

Republicans should embrace this plan if they really are in favor of foreign intervention (especially if they’re really the vicious racists their opponents and the entire American media complex has spent the last 20 years making them out to be). They also should welcome the opportunity to ensure that the US government is being fiscally responsible and making sure the billions of taxpayer dollars spent developing these really neat weapons do not go to waste. It will also prevent any further abortions taking place in the targeted countries—another plus for the GOP.

It will create jobs in America as we ramp nuclear production back up at places like Oak Ridge, Sandia, Lawrence Livermore, and Pantex to replace the completely empty stockpile with newer, cooler and bombs more badass than ever before. Less bombs means more bombs, and more bombs means more jobs. These jobs will likely be union. So the pro-jobs, pro-union voters should welcome it.

Let’s not just increase and re-invigorate the nuclear stockpile, as President Trump’s National Security Strategy called for. Let’s use the bombs we have before we make new ones, and make America radiate greatness again.

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Rep. Duncan Hunter shocked Americans making such big deal about routine war crimes



Congressman Duncan Hunter

EL CAJON, Calif.—Speaking to reporters at his home office in California’s 50th District, Duncan Hunter seemed perplexed as to why Americans have gotten so upset about relatively minor war crimes allegedly committed by Chief Special Warfare Operator Eddie Gallagher.

“I honestly don’t get it,” Hunter exclaimed. “Eddie Gallagher killed, like, a handful of civilians. When we firebombed Dresden, we killed over 20,000 people!”

The Congressman went on to tell reporters that while serving as a POG near Fallujah in 2004, he and his Marines “killed probably hundreds of civilians.”

Hunter explained that on the modern battlefield, there is no way to avoid deliberately murdering an unarmed and wounded prisoner before taking pictures with his corpse.

“Given the prevalence of social media,” Hunter said, “you would be a fool to pass up a photo opportunity like that. That’s at least 100 likes on Instagram, and you’ll probably pick up a DM or two as well.”

According to Hunter, modern PC culture is to blame for the backlash facing Chief Gallagher. “Back when my dad was a Congressman, you could do whatever you wanted at home and overseas.

“Nowadays, you can’t even use campaign funds to bankroll extramarital affairs without getting indicted,” Hunter bemoaned. “What’s next, you’re going to tell me that people still aren’t over the whole My Lai thing? It’s been like 40 years. Give it a rest already.”

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Americans commemorate D-Day by calling people they disagree with Nazis



Eisenhower in a car at the NYC tickertape parade
Gen. Dwight Eisenhower, who commanded the Army in Europe and organized the D-Day landings. He later became president and, obviously, a Nazi.

OTTUMWA, Iowa— Yesterday, America observed the 75th anniversary of D-Day. Some spent the day with local World War II veterans. Others visited military cemeteries to honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice. But all Americans held fast to the central tenet of the day and our nation as a whole: calling people we disagree with Nazis.

The tradition first began in Berlin, at the Reichstag in 1933. Legend has it that when President Paul von Hindenburg appointed Adolf Hitler Chancellor of Germany, a member of parliament remarked, “Are you kidding me? That guy is literally a Nazi.” Since then, the term has morphed to include liberals, conservatives, and the civilians who work at CIF.

Local veteran and Benghazi fetish role player Rob Jackson enjoyed his D-Day immensely. Jackson is bedridden, having become morbidly obese after the Marine Corps administratively separated him for going UA to avoid an Afghan deployment. This doesn’t stop him from wearing a red USMC piss cover decorated with badges from wars fought before he was born or celebrating D-Day.

“I spent June 6th like any other day: woke up at 11, ate some Cheetos, and then spent 14 hours correcting uniform discrepancies on Facebook,” Jackson said. “I came across a fellow veteran who voted for Hillary, and I told that Nazi turd exactly what he’s done to my beloved Corps.”

Harvard sophomore Theo Humboldt (preferred pronouns: he, him, his) of Antwerp, Michigan, had been planning his D-Day for months.

“My cis-het white male grandfather participated in the colonial violence of June 6th,” Humboldt said. “And, I just found out he voted for Trump. I finally got to tell him off yesterday. He’s, like, literally a Nazi.”

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President Trump orders Navy to scuttle USS John S. McCain



The USS John S. McCain during a replensihment at sea.

TOKYO—President Donald Trump has ordered that the crew of the USS John S. McCain (DDG-56) to scuttle the ship. The order, relayed through acting Acting Defense Secretary Patrick Shanahan, sent shock waves through the Navy. When carried out, it will be the first active U.S. Navy vessel scuttled since World War II.

“I like ships that don’t get hit by freighters” Mr. Trump told Vice Adm. Phillip G. Sawyer, commander of Seventh Fleet. “You know, 354 ships should be good. I don’t know why everyone is talking about 355 ships. They’ll be the best ships, anyway believe me.”

Unable to take the ship out to sea and scuttle it on such short notice, the McCain’s captain, Cdr. Micah Murphy, ordered the ship hidden from Mr. Trump during his visit. Murphy ordered the crew to place a large tarp covering the name on the stern, hoping that the Commander-in-Chief would not notice the presence of the 500-foot long vessel moored to the pier.

“If that doesn’t work, then maybe repaint the name to ‘Mohn J. ScCain,’’ Murphy reportedly told his crew. “Or maybe ‘Ohnjay cCainMay.’”

Trump told reporters, “I wouldn’t have crashed the ship if I was captain. I would have been a very good admiral, a very stable captain.”

Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John M. Richardson is reportedly trying to save the ship without the president’s knowledge. He directed sailors to paint over the stern plate in the meantime. “We should have thought about this when it was in drydock last year,” Richardson reportedly told IndoPacCom Commander Adm. Phil Davidson. “I knew the president had a personal grievance against one of the ship’s namesakes, but I didn’t think he’d order us to sink a perfectly good ship.”

“You know what?” Richardson asked. “Fuck it. I’m about to retire. Save the ship. We’ll just cross the name out and call it the USS Trump for now.”

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Sailors walking into strip club reminded to ‘clap like Mike Pence is speaking’



mike pence

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — A group of sailors preparing to enter the Rear Admiral Gentleman’s Club were reminded by Command Master Chief Petty Officer Michael Tubbins on Saturday evening to “clap like Mike Pence is speaking,” — referencing the primal sexual energy typically elicited by the vice president’s remarks, sources confirmed today.

The sailors, who varied in age, rank, and number of vice presidential addresses attended, appreciated the reminder, according to defense officials.

“Obviously, we’ve all attended a few speeches by the vice president, usually while on temporary duty away from our home station” stated Petty Officer 3rd Class Jason Smith.

“Heck, we all know that one junior sailor new to the fleet who marries the first Mike Pence speechwriter he meets. But we’re young, horny sailors so being in a strip club was a new experience for us and the Master Chief’s advice for how to act was invaluable.”

“These kids aren’t dumb. They know if there is one thing you do in a strip club it’s clap but it’s usually more reserved like when a movie ends or when your plane lands safely,” Master Chief Tubbins told reporters.

“But when a young lady in six inch glass heels and a G-string with several C-section scars takes her top off that’s not time to just be polite, you need to really help her feel welcome.”

Sources confirmed that the entire group of sailors responded in kind and expressed enthusiasm that was more than worthy of a Mike Pence address.

“I do this job for the applause so I’m always hoping it’ll be loud but from the second I stepped out there I was like whoa, is the vice president here? This is crazy,” said DyNasti, a dancer at Rear Admiral. “And when the DJ started spinning Hail to the Chief, I knew I had to work that pole the way Mr. Pence works that podium.”

Tubbins, who was present for the Pence’s “ISIS is defeated(-ish)” speech in January, expressed pride in his sailors’ effort but says it still cannot compare to the atmosphere of a real Mike Pence speech.

“Friday night had more boobs than a typical speech by the vice president but no VIP room will ever match the raw energy, intensity, and emotion of a Pence original.”

At press time, Command Master Chief Tubbins had been asked to resign from the Navy for daring to imply that sailors would bring the type of enthusiasm exhibited in a vice presidential address into a titty bar. Additionally, Petty Officer 3rd Class Smith and Dynasti are now married and expecting their first child together.

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Newly promoted Colonel Dole immediately flagged as non-deployable



Washington, D.C. — Newly promoted Col. Bob Dole has been immediately flagged as non-deployable following a review of his official personnel file, a spokesperson from Human Resources Command confirmed today.

This action comes on the heels of legislation, co-sponsored by Viagra manufacturer Pfizer, promoting the former senator and presidential candidate.

“We really appreciated the assistance from Pfizer in getting this recognition for Kansas’s favorite son,” reported Sen. Jerry Moran (R-Kan.) “The support that they gave my staff was just incredible.”

Headquarters Company Commander for the National Capital Region Capt. Jared Wyman expressed dismay at receiving yet another senior officer who is below standards in every category of medical readiness and fails to meet pretty much every other annual training requirement.

“Usually, we get guys who haven’t been to the range for a while or are a few years behind on anti-terrorism level one training, but this is ridiculous,” said Wyman. “Where has this guy been for the last 15 years? I asked him to upload his SAMS graduation info, and he faxed me a copy of his Sam’s Club membership card.”

“At least he’s already got the new Army greens,” Wyman added.

Dole was spotted shopping at the Fort Myer Military Clothing and Sales, searching in vain for service ribbons for his numerous awards, including the Presidential Medal of Freedom and Congressional Gold Medal. He seemed irritated and confused about having to update his uniform along with his defense travel system profile.

“I don’t deserve it, but I’ll take it” said Dole when asked about the promotion. “But I’m not doing any of this online training crap.”

Dole said he understands the importance of being ready to deploy but doesn’t see the merit of learning survival skills from the internet.

“I told that Wyman kid that I already know how to use a TARP. Colonel Dole has better things to do than listen to a computer tell him how to tie down a damn canvas,” he said.

President Donald Trump was reportedly thrilled to have the promotion bill come across his desk and expressed hope that signing would guarantee an invitation to at least one prominent funeral this year.

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Congress sets voting, gun ownership, drinking and enlistment age at sixteen



A sixteen-year-old Marine Corps recruit carries a pistol and ten miniatures of vodka during a combat fitness test at Camp Pendleton, Calif. (Source: DVIDS)

WASHINGTON — Politicians celebrated after Congress voted today to lower the age a person can join the military, own a weapon, and drink thirty cans of Keystone Light before staggering to a voting booth.

The new cutoff is sixteen, allowing wasted high-school sophomores to participate in and die for American democracy.

“Just imagine the thrill of a sixteen year-old teenage person who is now an adult participating in our wonderful Democratic Party — err, our democratic voting process,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.).

Democratic presidential candidate Robert “Beto” O’Rourke (D-Nothing) quickly agreed.

“I believe that when adults previously known as minors are allowed to vote, then they should be able to get hammered at sixteen,” he said, “like I totally did with my boarder friends and my punk band and my hacker friends. Did you know I was in a punk band? Could you let these new adult voters know how cool that was?”

“I support gun ownership and have always recommended firing a shotgun through the door,” said Joseph Biden (D–Swimming Nude), while groping tweeners at a campaign rally/sex den. “And so should these remarkable girls, who will soon be allowed to see my door and fire on me, baby.”

Finally, pacifist and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton delighted the nation when she noted that military service goes hand in hand with firing guns.

“I believe that the younger the soldier, the greater the chance for them to die for my — I mean our — sometimes psychotic agendas,” she told reporters. “If only we had drunk, voting sixteen-year-old enlistees in my time, then we would have killed Gaddafi — for no good reason — even sooner than I wanted.”

At press time, few sixteen year olds were reported to have joined the military, purchased a gun or registered to vote. However, liquor stores across the nation were reported to be overwhelmed by teens looking for sugary, alcohol-based drinks with a fruity taste and a caffeine kick.

“I’m mixing Rip-It with everclear before I report to the Corps,” said one new recruit. “That’s what my vetbro daddy recommended.”

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Opinion: Hey wait, no one ever thanked me for John McCain’s service either




By a concerned, underappreciated American citizen

It has been 208 days since Sen. John McCain died and enough is enough. The reaction over the past few days by the “lame stream” media over comments President Donald Trump made regarding McCain are a constant, painful reminder that I have not yet been thanked for John McCain’s service either.

You might be asking yourself why I feel entitled to a thank you. Did I know McCain, or do my accomplishments in any way mirror his own?

I’m going to stop you right there and tell you no. And not just no but no and you’re asking the wrong (stupid) questions. The important questions, the ones you should be asking, are am I aware of McCain’s accomplishments and do I like thank yous to which I will answer sort of and absolutely.

Sure, I wasn’t in Vietnam when McCain was shot down or when he was tortured for five years or when he refused early release to keep faith with his fellow POWs. But I have news for you: lots of people weren’t there when that happened. Some of us weren’t even born yet. Some were never called to serve, and others didn’t really feel like going. Does that somehow make us less deserving of praise?

I also did not receive either an invite or a thank you for McCain’s funeral. While I wasn’t directly involved in the planning or execution of said funeral, I was generally aware of it. Also, and I can’t stress this enough, I love it when people thank me for stuff, especially when those thank yous are heartfelt, genuine, and unrelated to any of my words or actions.

It is for those reasons and more that I stand with the president and demand a thank you from the McCain family. They lost a husband, father, mentor, and friend on one day in August. I’ve had to live without completely undeserved praise for 200 something days since and counting. Do the right thing.

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