PENTAGON — Long rumored tensions came to a head as the CH-47 Chinook Helicopter confronted the U.S. Army after discovering suggestive text messages on the Army’s phone, sources confirmed today.
The Chinook referenced an exchange that included a Snapchat video of the CH-53 Super Stallion (a name experts believe is clearly overcompensating for something) loading 55 troops internally and taking a 36,000 pound load. The Army claimed it can’t help what gets sent to their public account and that the Chinook should be flattered that other aircraft are so interested.
While the Army characterized the texts and several direct messages as non-committal and “just seeing what else is out there,” the Chinook expressed disbelief. It appears the Army engaged in detailed conversations with multiple different aircraft and allegedly solicited pictures of several with their ramp down.
“After all I’ve done, after 57 years, you’re going to try to run off with some skinny little skank who is barely off the assembly line?” the Chinook reportedly shouted during an exchange in a Pentagon hallway.
“Do you want me to go seats out? Is that it? Or maybe just fly around doors off like one of your little sluts?” it added.
The Army attempted to explain itself and suggested the Chinook was overreacting.
“Why do you get like this? You’re so paranoid,” the Army said. “The Osprey is already with the Marines. We met on a joint exercise. We’re just friends.”
This isn’t the first time the Army and the Chinook have had trouble in their relationship. The Army got pretty serious with the UH-60 Blackhawk in the ’90s and was ready to end it with the Chinook entirely, according to multiple friends close to the situation. That was until they had a new war together and things settled down.
The whole situation apparently resurfaced after someone mentioned to the Army that it had been in Afghanistan for over 17 years. The Army later stated over beers that it loves Afghanistan but is worried about losing its identity, according to friends.
“Like, what if I want to travel still? Check out Asia? I feel like Russia has been eyeing me since forever, but we were never ready to make a move at the same time,” the Army allegedly stated. “Plus, the Osprey said it can do fixed wing and rotary wing. I’ve never had a bi-functional aircraft, and I feel like that’s something I could totally get into.”
Further statements by the Army now seem to indicate they and the Chinook are “on a break” despite evidence that Chinooks are still carrying the Army’s troops both at home and abroad.
The Chinook was reportedly seen on the flight line binging on ice cream and blasting Beyoncé’s “Lemonade” album while fielding questions from the CH-46 fleet about whether the split is their fault and who they will live with now.