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John Walker Lindh killed in drone strike moments after release

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BENEDICT, Mont. — “American Taliban” John Walker Lindh tasted freedom for approximately 47 seconds before a Hellfire missile fired from an unmanned aerial vehicle ensured he would never taste anything ever again, sources confirmed today.

After spending 17 years in federal prison for “providing services to the Taliban,” the Bureau of Prisons announced earlier this week that it would release Lindh promptly at 12:00 p.m. at an undisclosed location in Benedict, Montana, population 645, where he would spend three years on parole at the Bergdahl House of Recovery.

“We released him at the local soccer field to minimize collateral . . . observers,” a government official said, speaking on the condition of anonymity.

“I just came out to see what all the fuss was about,” said Sarah Duvall, who witnessed the strike. “I noticed a strange shadow, kind of in the shape of an MQ-9 Reaper drone,” she said. “Then, a loud noise, and a flash of white light, and the man in the field just disappeared. Must’ve been a UFO.”

Duvall could not be reached for further comment.

The incident has reignited the debate over the use of drone strikes on American citizens.

“As far as I’m concerned, anyone who would use drones to execute American citizens without due process is unfit for office. Period,” former Vice President Joe Biden said at a town hall meeting in Anwar, Michigan.

“Just because Hellfire missile fragments were found at the scene doesn’t mean we were involved,” said White House press secretary Sarah Sanders. “But if we were, it’s probably because this administration kills traitors instead of releasing them.”

Moments later, President Trump tweeted, “We got him!”

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