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Sailor can’t pee unless someone is watching

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SAN DIEGO — Retiring Chief Petty Officer Joe Andrews hasn’t peed without someone watching him in 22 years and isn’t about to start now.

“At first, I thought all the meat gazing was weird,” said Andrews. “Now, after all this time in the Navy, I went from not being able to piss with someone watching to not being able to piss without someone watching.”

Andrews told fellow sailors at the his retirement party that he’s not sure how he’s going to piss without someone making eye contact with his one-eyed monster.

“I’ve told Andrews that he just needs to reach out,” said Lt. Cmdr. Ross Stevens, Andrews’ commanding officer. “No one should have to pee alone.”

Many sailors are able to make the transition to pissing alone by running water in the background or pasting a picture of a urinalysis observer above the toilet, according to a recent Veterans Affairs Public Information for Sailors Study (PISS). Some, however, never fully make it through the transition, and find themselves seeking YMCAs, baseball stadiums and subway stations to avoid kidney problems.

Andrews expressed his hope for the future with a loud groan at the urinal before leaving the Chief’s Mess for the last time today. His first proctology appointment with the VA is a week from today, which he feels is a festive step up from the usual wiener wagging.

Stevens said that might be willing to go warm up Andrews’ bed and sweat on it a little bit, just the way he needs it to fall asleep.

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