BREAKING: Your weekend has been canceled, because Army

U.S. Soldiers of the 224th Sustainment Brigade, California Army National Guard, stand in an accountability formation before boarding buses to Indianapolis International Airport for their flight back to California at Camp Atterbury, Indiana, Oct. 12, 2018. The 224th SB arrived at Camp Atterbury in September 2018 to participate in Warfighter 19-1. (U.S. Army National Guard Photo by Staff Sgt. Matthew Ramelb)

FORT BRAGG, NC—In what is both breaking news and a depressingly familiar twist of fate, your upcoming weekend has been cancelled because Army, numerous sources report.

Mass text messages conveying the bad news alerted everyone in your unit that there would be a recall formation Saturday morning at 0600, presumably for no particular reason other than that this is the Army and you are in it.

All passes have been revoked battalion-wide, and the weekend trip you were looking forward to will now be cast upon the same garbage pile as your other blighted plans and dreams.

While the precise reasoning behind the obliteration of your Saturday and Sunday is still unclear, opinion among your fellow soldiers is unanimous that the root cause is almost certainly Army.

“This is so fucking Army,” your barracks roommate, some private first class or other, confirmed.

Reports suggest that your friends and relatives, puzzled at the frequent and callous ruination of your leisure time, assert that this kind of nonsense typically does not occur in the civilian world, as people would walk away from a job that pulled bullshit like this—an option not available to you, because Army.

The Air Force could not be reached for comment at Tequila Mama’s Jamarama Bar and Grill.

At press time, sources added that you would likely be forced to stand around in formation until well into the afternoon, the only conceivable explanation for which could be because fuck you.


Zach is out there. He can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear — only patriotism. His existing power cell can run on one tube of MRE peanut butter a week.