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Newly promoted admiral buys $500 million warship at 32% interest

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WASHINGTON—Moments after counseling a junior sailor about an ill-informed car purchase, newly promoted Rear Adm. (lower half) Richard Limping purchased a $500 million warship with a 32 percent interest rate loan.

Sources say Limping made the purchase after he found out what a “sweet hookup” he could get from Gary at the ship dealership.

“Gary from Gary’s Discount Ship Emporium out in town said it was an awesome deal, and that I had to buy now or somebody else would beat me to it,” said Limping. “He even hooked me up with a great loan from some guy behind a bulletproof window in the strip mall by the tattoo parlor.”

“Gary seemed like a really good guy. I know he wouldn’t rip me off.”

Junior admirals are well known for making extravagant warship purchases, especially with the extra cash they saved up as budget season comes around. Some will even throw on a few accessories like F-35 fighter aircraft or “sick” antisubmarine subwoofers to impress the boys.

“Yeah, these boot lower halves like to have a little fun flaunting their whips when it comes time to justify their budgets to Congress,” said outgoing Chief of Naval Operations Admiral John Richardson. “I’m not saying I agree with it. But you’ve gotta let them have a little fun and learn these lessons on fiscal responsibility on their own. Plus, some of these ships are straight fire.”

At press time, Limping had married a defense industry lobbyist he met at the strip club, only to have her divorce him and steal his Common Access Card (CAC) two weeks later.

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