President Moves Up Independence Day so it can be the #1 Day in July

Donald Trump
Gage Skidmore

WASHINGTON—President Donald H. Trump announced today that the Independence Day holiday would move earlier so that it can be the “number one day” in July.

“My whole life has been about being the best, number one, the best. Not the fourth,” the president said. “The fourth is for losers. America’s birthday shouldn’t be number two, let alone four.”

“Numero uno, as the Mexicans say, but this is America, so we say one,” continued the President. “But even the fourth, we’re still better than the Mexicans, because their birthday, Cinco de Mayo, is number five. See?” he said, making air quotes around “Cinco de Mayo.”

He continued, “I tell my very good friend, President[Andrés Manuel López] Obrador, ‘Mexico is number five, cinco,’ and we laugh.”

“He laughs, but he knows it’s true.”

Trump’s Twitter page has already announced the America (July) First logo.  A huge First of July celebration is planned for the National Mall, with a military parade.

When reporters informed the president that July 1 was Canada Day, the president promised to raise tariffs on Canadian imports of something or other, then quickly hustled away from the podium, yelling “Kellyanne!”

WT Door contributed to this story.

BlondesOverBaghdad always lets someone else have the top block, because that's the selfless service thing to do. She'll go to Ranger School as soon as there's a 2-beer per day policy. @BlondsOvrBaghd on Twitter.