BOSTON—A sticky note saying “BROKEN” likely remain on an unplugged piece of equipment until the end of time, the Coast Guard Cutter Escanaba (WMEC-907) confirmed Wednesday.
Reports indicate the sticky note appeared several months ago after an unknown Electronics Technician, who witnesses believe was performing planned maintenance, placed the note to remind others to not use it. Because the technician apparently separated shortly after leaving the note, it will almost certainly remain in place until the sun explodes.
“I was about to use that piece of equipment,” said third class technician Elizabeth Temple. “But when I saw the sticky note with the word ‘broken’ in capital letters, I knew that I should just do something else and forget to tell someone to replace it or even fix it.”
Temple explained that she, like everyone on the ship, will disregard the note to avoid responsibility. “The thought crossed my mind to rearrange the cables and maybe troubleshoot the problem,” she said. “But then I remembered that no one cares and we’re all going to die anyway, so I just left it.”
“I’m pretty sure there’s other things I could do with my time,” added the cutter’s engineering officer, Lt. (j.g.) Ray Patterson. “Like check the latest memes on Reddit, stand in the galley with a blank look on my face, or walk from one end of the ship to the next and pretend I’m busy.”
Patterson continued. “I don’t even know what that piece of equipment is, to be honest. I think it’s for radio things.”
According to Escanaba crewmembers, sticky notes have morphed into official casualty reports for maintenance crew who have already looked at an issue and made a mental note that will inevitably vanish into the nothingness of the mind.
“Look, if the sticky note said ‘FIX ME’ or ‘IF I GET FIXED YOU WILL GET A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH’ I might find the strength to replace the hardware,” said Patterson, adding that his replacement will most likely ignore it just like him. “Once this boat is decommissioned, this piece of equipment will carry this sticky note until the sea shall give up her dead.”
“Sometimes I wish I had a sticky note on my head that said ‘BROKEN’, maybe someone would notice that I’m an empty shell of a man,” he added.