Connect with us

News

Legendary recruiter’s top-3, can‘t-miss ways to bag a soldier

Published

on

FORT KNOX, Ky.—Recruiting legend Staff Sgt. Rohman recently sat down to offer advice drawn from his experience working in military recruiting out of the strip mall, between the “adult toy” store and the off-brand donut shop.

“We do this stuff with nearly every recruit these days.” Rohman says. “It all really depends on how many recruits the recruiting has pulled in that month. Let me tell you, if I haven’t bagged one in a couple weeks, I freak the fuck out and double down on the contacts I got.”

Here is his top-three list of tips to help out other recruiters:

1. Always get your man

Rohman says, “Sometimes they’ll try to run. But that’s why we gotta know what they really want. One kid, he told me he wanted to become a police officer down the road after he got out. But his test scores sucked and it was ‘infantry or nothing’ for him. So I told him about how he’ll get to practice ‘police calls’ once he’s in. Got him to sign that day. I expect he’ll come find me some day to try and kill me. But he hasn’t found me yet.”

2. Exercise is long term. Cheat for the short term

“I’m going to be honest, once we get a kid tested, it’s the weight that gives us the major obstacle.”
“The last thing we want is for someone to go to MEPS and they can’t pass tape. So, we have ways of getting these kids to pass tape. Have you seen the stats on the current generation trying to come in? It’s a battle out there, and fast food is really defeating us.
“Preparation H is the best thing that could have ever happened to recruiting numbers,’ Rohman says, holding up a tube to display it. “This stuff and some plastic wrap. You put it on overnight, and it shrinks the skin enough. We earn a few more inches. Preparation H has recruited more men and women into this man’s army than any 80s action movie ever could.”

“Also, neck exercises. It’s the only thing we have some of the kids do. The army tape test doesn’t mean shit if you got a huge neck.

3. Weight loss

“You want to know the secret weapons?” he asks. “Forced eating disorders: anorexia, bulimia. Sometimes we have to get in there with our own fingers to force the first few meals out.”

Bonus: Guaranteed weight-loss results

“If the kid resists the eating disorder, just get him to lick one of these sticks,” Rohman says. His cargo pocket holds several in plastic baggies. “Instant dysentery. If you really want to cut down the weight fast, we’ll also throw a tapeworm in there. Works every time.”

“My recruits always pass tape.”

Advertisement
Advertisement