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Pilot trusts feelings, turns off targeting computer, bombs hospital

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KANDAHAR—A U.S. Navy pilot turned off his targeting computer during a bombing run and killed four hundred civilians, according to a recent statement issued by public relations.

Lt. Roger Himmelweg, an F/A-18 Super Hornet pilot, claims he was responding to urges to “trust his feelings” during a mission last week, which was supposed to be targeted at an arms cache being stocked by Taliban insurgents. Despite the fact that the highly advanced fighter/bomber aircraft had millions of dollars’ worth of sophisticated targeting hardware and software installed, Himmelweg believed he could drop his ordnance with greater accuracy using only his emotions and the low-toned urges of a distant old man.

“I don’t know what happened,” Himmelweg said in a post-mission debrief with international authorities. “I heard this voice in my head, you know, and it just kept telling me to do stuff. ‘Trust my instincts, let go.’”

“It seemed totally plausible at the time.”

“We spent a lot of money designing that shit,” Christopher Marzilli, Boeing’s Executive Vice President said in an interview. “Literally tens of thousands of man hours went into building and testing the targeting equipment on the F-18 so that we can drop bombs with centimeter accuracy. And this guy thinks he hears Jesus one time and decides to go Sodom and Gomorrah on a hospital. The weapons aren’t even supposed to fire without a target lock!”

This is not the first time the voices of deceased old men have caused problems in Afghanistan. In 2017, Green Beret Sergeant Victor Mullaghan opened fire in a crowded marketplace after hearing a voice tell him to “use the force,” resulting in over a dozen civilian casualties.

“I thought he was saying, you know, use the lethal force,” Mullaghan said afterwards. “The guy sounded like my commander. Old, wise, and like he was always trying to deliver some important life lesson even though he was just saying to wash your hands after you pee.”

“So I figured it was him over the radio. It was a shit ton easier than haggling with that guy over the price of his carpet, I’ll tell you that.”

General Kenneth “Frank” McKenzie, CENTCOM commander, has issued a statement discouraging all armed forces personnel from responding to sage, echoing voices in their head until further assessments can be made.

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