WASHINGTON—Since 1775, the United States has had an Army, and for most of those 244 years it has been called the “United States Army.”
But now the service will drop the words and initials from its title, calling itself simply “Army,” a radical rebranding campaign that some hope will distance Army from what a senior Army leader said was “a history not reflective of our current values.”
Acting Secretary of Army Ryan McCarthy told reporters that former NFL quarterback and Army historian Colin Kaepernick had recently found countless examples of troubling behavior engaged in by the United States, including racism, slavery, genocide, and inappropriate touching.
“After examining the evidence presented by Mister Kaepernick, we decided we cannot ask our soldiers of color to wear the name of a country which enslaved their ancestors or tell our LGBTTQQIAAP service members to display the flag of the place which enacted Don’t Ask Don’t Tell,” McCarthy said.
Kaepernick is currently leading another internal Army investigation over historical links between the United States and a white supremacist group called The Confederate States of America.
According to McCarthy, Army will terminate its long-term relationship with the United States as soon as Army can find another sponsor willing to finance its $182 billion-dollar operations, such as China or Google.
“We deeply regret the damage that may have hurt our soldiers from having to wear the United States flag or call themselves United States soldiers,” McCarthy added. “This can only distract from our mission of blowing the shit out of Iran or Canada.”
Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley has announced that among the new changes coming, Army will be replacing the U.S. flag patch that all soldiers wear with the Rainbow flag in the spirit of inclusion.
In addition, the seal of Army will replace the words ‘United States’ with ‘Empowerment’ and ‘Diversity,’ which Milley said “are the real heroes of today’s Army.”
While the President will still remain commander in chief, Army has asked Congress to amend the Constitution to read, “The President shall be commander in chief of the Army, and Navy of the United States.”
As part of the rebranding campaign, all Army history prior to July 2019 will now be referred to as “Army Legends,” but will not be regarded as official Army canon.
Milley added that one immediate benefit was that unlike all the other services, Army can now boast that it has absolutely no history of sexual assault.