LANGLEY AFB, Va. — Air Force lawyers suffered a major embarrassment yesterday, after Judge Advocate General Capt. Jim Hansard was found guilty in a food court of cutting the line at Subway. Following arguments and cross examination, food court sandwich clerk Daryl concluded that Hansard had indeed occupied the spot in line belonging to Lisa, a 43-year-old dependent.
Hansard has pleaded not guilty, offering as a defense that “The line wasn’t well formed,” and “I was totally next.” As the defense was providing the particulars of his roast beef sandwich, the prosecution Lisa, accused Hansard of line cutting.
Things escalated quickly from there. The defense cited a rule granting members in uniform smorgasbording priority during lunch hours. Exhibit A was his uniform and Exhibit B was the clock that showed it was 13:30.
Lisa, who wanted everyone to know that her husband is an E-8, pointed out that line priority applies only to the commissary and BX.
“No such ruling is valid in the court of food,” Lisa’s lawyers served up. In addition, she asked the members of the food court “In what world is 1330 still lunch?”
“I asked Daryl to approach the meats,” Hansard recalled. “I told him listen, I got to get back to work—this lady can wait.”
Daryl reviewed the arguments and deliberated with his co-worker Amy in the broom closet for ten mins before delivering his verdict. He found Hansard guilty of 2nd degree line cutting. Lisa spot in line was reinstated and she proceeded to order 9 sandwiches for herself and friends she was meeting at the bowling ally.
Hansard was sentenced to a reduction in pickles and forfeiture of 3 inches of his $5 footlong.