FORT BENNING, Ga.—Researchers studying the superhuman physical stamina and questionable dental health of a group of 100 sergeants major has concluded that their success can be attributed, in part, to religious use of preworkout supplements.
“Stores like GNC have been selling preworkout boosters as pills and powders for years, “ said Col. Ryan Madison, the project’s spokesmen. “Turns out that senior NCOs have been achieving the same effect with Copenhagen, Folgers, and hate.”
A followup study concluded that if the tobacco and coffee were reduced or taken away, it resulted in decreased athletic performance, missed alimony payments, and endless bouts of weapons maintenance inserted into the training schedule at random intervals.
One anonymous participant in the study was known to kick over cans of Monster she found on the curb before first formation, yelling, “Coffee—it’s the original energy drink.”
“I used to think our sergeant major was a robot,” said Pvt. Sun Chung. “Then one day, before a battalion run, I saw him in his car rubbing coffee grounds directly into his eyes. When he saw me watching, he dumped out his ashtray and made me police up the cigarette butts.”
Army medical command has passed the findings to a defense contractor, who plans to combine the dip and coffee into a supplement, which will be sold back to the DoD at $348 per pill.
Lt Dan and Lee Ho Fuk contributed to this story.