This Air Assault soldier never skips leg day

Col. Colin P. Tuley, commander of the 1st Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division out of Fort Bragg, North Carolina, recovers his parachute as he watches soldiers with the 1st BCT descend to the ground in a multinational airborne training event as part of the Joint Multinational Readiness Center's Exercise Swift Response at U.S. Army Garrison Hohenfels, Germany, June 15, 2016. Exercise Swift Response is one of the premier military crisis response training events for multinational airborne forces in the world. Their exercise is designed to enhance the readiness of the combat core of the U.S. Global Response Force - currently the 82nd Airborne Division's 1st Brigade Combat Team - to conduct rapid response, joint forcible entry and follow-on operations alongside allied high-readiness forces in Europe. Swift Response 16 includes more than 5,000 Soldiers and Airmen from Belgium, France, Germany, Great Britain, Italy, the Netherlands, Poland, Portugal, Spain and the United States and takes place in Poland and Germany, May 27-June 26, 2016. (U.S. Army National Guard Photo by Sgt. Michael Giles/Released)

FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. – Specialist Kenny Zweitbester, an infantryman assigned to 3rd Brigade, 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault), has not skipped leg day since he arrived at the unit nearly two years ago.

“As a steely-eyed, barrel-chested Rakkasan, it’s important you never skip leg day,” Zweitbester said, as he tucked a pinch of cotton candy flavored Skoal in his lip. “I bet those sissies in the 82nd probably skip leg day all the time.”

Zweitbester, a 22-year-old from the Florida panhandle, was the leg-wrestling state champion in high school and joined the Army after the hosiery factory he worked at closed. When asked why he did not opt for an airborne contract, Zweitbester told the Duffel Blog he was suffering from an acute leg injury at the time.

“I wasn’t scared, you know,” Zweitbester said, scratching the back of his thigh nervously. “Besides, any idiot can fall out of a perfectly good airplane. It takes a real soldier to walk onto the back of a Chinook and then walk back off right next to the objective. Heck, sometimes during air assault school, they even let you fast rope out of a helicopter—you know, like the name implies.”

While Zweitbester touts the benefits of leg strength and air assault over airborne soldiers, others are skeptical of the school’s merits.

“Sure they teach you how to sling-load stuff, and I’ve fast-roped out of dozens of helicopters. But no one ever gave me a badge for it,” said Sgt. Ruben Capulet, a medic in 2nd Ranger Battalion. “Until you’ve jumped out of an aircraft moving 130 knots at 800 feet AGL, you’re just a dirty, nasty leg.”

Despite his critics, Zweitbester continues to observe leg day religiously. Sources say his leg exercises keep him in great shape and ready to run away from any paratroopers he may encounter at local bars.

Whiskey Fueled Tirade
Ranter, writer, and small-time idea grifter. You are probably a bit dumber for having read his alcohol fueled, long-winded diatribes. Follow him @FueledTirade on Twitter