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Charity helps veterans without cars shit-post rants

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DETROIT — Veterans fought for our first amendment rights, so it seems fitting that one charity is going above and beyond to help veterans exercise theirs: The charity is donating old cars to help vets shitpost rants about America.

Hulks4Heroes, a 501(c) based in Detroit, is partnering with the Big Three automakers to donate automobiles to ex-soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines who lack a suitable backdrop to post inflammatory, borderline racist or anti-American ramblings to the internet.

“Every veteran should have a voice,” said Randall Lacroix, founder and CEO of Hulks4Heroes. “Just because the Mustang they bought out of basic was reposseseed doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have the same opportunity to sit inside a car and yell into their phones about the deterioration of the specific fantasy of America they fought for.”

Until recently, veteran Christopher Cummings only dreamed of posting a video to YouTube daring the government to come take his guns. Instead, he resorted to sitting on park benches or hanging out on random street corners shouting at neighborhood kids.

When Hulks4Heroes heard about Cummings, the organization sprang went into action.

“Because I rode the bus there was no way I could be taken seriously,” said Cummings. “But now, thanks to Hulks4Heroes, my fearmongering has been legitimized!”

Brian Phelps used to resort to crime to get views and likes. Hulks4Heroes helped him get on the right path by supplying a used car to make his disparaging remarks about immigrants in the military.

“I was low, man,” confided Phelps. “Hell, I used to break into cars four or five times a week to get enough footage to post a quick spot about the dangers of women in Ranger school.”

Phelps says he hit rock bottom when realized the low-key lighting in all of his videos made him look 20 pounds overweight.

“That is when I said to myself ‘Brian, what are you doing? You can’t control the level of fill when you are shooting in a different car every time!'” said Phelps. “That is when I found Hulks4Heroes, who helped me along the way to alt-right internet obscurity.”

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