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DFAC enters ‘Chicken Sandwich War’

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TRAVIS AFB, Calif. — The dining facility (DFAC) at Travis Air Force Base has boldly proclaimed they have the best chicken sandwich on earth, jumping feet first into the so-called “Chicken Sandwich War” raging between fast food chains Popeyes and Chick-Fil-A. The conflict began last month when Popeye’s announced the arrival of the chicken sandwich to their menu.

DFAC manager Karen Williams was reportedly enraged when she noticed a sharp decline in customers at the DFAC and a line out the door at the base Popeye’s, thanks to the new chicken sandwich.

“The Chicken Sandwich War is a massive scam that’s hurting smaller chicken vendors,” Williams says. “Chick-Fil-A and Popeye’s are spreading lies. I know this because our DFAC actually serves a better chicken sandwich than either of them, or anyone else for that matter.”

“And our chicken isn’t homophobic.”

Williams has urged base employees to come to the DFAC for their chicken sandwich needs, and to use the hashtag #chickensandwichwar when posting photos of the sandwich on Instagram. She has also set up an information table outside the base Popeye’s, offering customers a free DFAC sandwich in exchange for throwing away their Popeyes purchase.

Airmen are responding.

“Everything at the DFAC tastes like chicken, so you know they must have experience in this area,” said Airman First Class Tanner McCarthy, a maintenance tech stationed at the base. “At least when I eat this sandwich, I know for sure it’s chicken. Plus, I have to eat here anyways because I don’t make enough money to eat at Popeye’s.”

The DFAC sandwich consists of grade C meat crookedly slapped between the cheapest buns available at the commissary. Customers also have the opportunity to add the DFAC’s secret sauce, which they insist is far superior to off-the-shelf mayonnaise. Due to the quality and intricacy of preparing the sandwich, it came as no surprise that they sell at such high profit margins.

“Making a chicken sandwich is a lot harder than it looks” said Brian Dell, a chef at the DFAC. “You have to determine the right ratio of chicken to bread, and make sure the condiments are always in stock. Often times, you have to actually put the chicken between the buns yourself.”

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