Throw away that copy of How to Argue and Win Every Time! We have you covered. The next time you find yourself decisively engaged in a conflict of words, here are eight ways to assure victory:
1. Talk over the other person.
If they can’t get a word in, they can’t possibly win the argument. Easy! Eventually they will give up and go away, which everyone knows means that they concede the argument. Check and mate.
2. Guilt them about your service.
Repeat after me: “You’d feel differently about this if you knew what it meant to serve.” If arguing with another vet, insist that their experience didn’t count because they were a POG or in the Air Force or whatever.
3. Get Drunk!
Only a fool would argue with a clearly intoxicated person. Anyone can win an argument against a fool. That’s just logic.
4. Belittle the other person.
Go for the rhetorical jugular! With a well placed insult you will have both destabilized your opponent and also turned the crowd against them, all but assuring your inevitable victory.
5. Change the subject.
If your opponent manages to make a good point, you should immediately switch gears and point out why that’s all irrelevant given the bigger picture. Who cares about something like the minimum wage when we should be talking about the coming war with China!?
6. Demand evidence, then discount it.
Insist that they provide hard evidence on the spot to support their claims, then tell them they are stupid for believing their clearly biased source. Bonus points if you can name an actual person who claims to have first hand knowledge that contradicts their “facts.”
7. Insist that your opinion is common knowledge.
Remind your opponent that not everything you need to know in life can be taught in a classroom. Your associate of arts from American Military University combined with your Master’s degree from the school of hard knocks is all the learnin’ you need to call a spade a spade.
And if all else fails…
8. Physical Violence.
The U.S. military spent hundreds of thousands of dollars training you to be a lean, mean violence machine. Or a mail clerk. Whatever. People who say “Violence never solves anything,” usually come looking for someone to be violent on their behalf when things go south.