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Marie Kondo urges nation to thank veterans for their service before discarding them

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WASHINGTON — Acting Deputy Defense Secretary Marie Kondo has issued a suggestion for the American people: Thank veterans for the joy they brought them before ultimately discarding them.

Popular Japanese minimalist and home organizing consultant Marie Kondo fell into the position of Acting Deputy Defense Secretary after qualified individuals kept leaving office after less than six months. The line of succession evaporated so quickly that foreign Netflix icons were being considered for the position, but everyone on the Great British Baking Show passed. (Paul Hollywood reportedly called the offer “half-baked.”

The star of “Tidying Up,” Kondo previously offered families ideas on how to organize their lives to make more room for things like family time, hobbies, and general gratitude about what life has to offer. Now, as Acting Deputy Secretary of Defense, Kondo has applied her art to the U.S. Armed Forces.

“I recommend that after folding the American flag, you stand them upright in the drawer,” Kondo said in a blog post. “This makes it easier to find them later, especially when you have over 5,000 of them.”

“It is extremely important to physically hold every veteran before you let them go,” Kondo continued, discussing the redeployment and reintegration process. “First, there’s a chance that they haven’t had any loving physical touch in a year, and second, it gives you a moment to really appreciate their physicality, their realness, in a physical space, before ejecting them back into a society in which they are unprepared to live.”

In a demonstration broadcast on C-SPAN, Secretary Kondo provided some examples for organization.

“Understanding what brings you joy is the key to knowing what to remove from your life and what to keep,” Kondo said to a nearly empty congress. “If something does not bring you joy, it does not have a place in your life or in the decision-making process of Earth’s most powerful nation.”

She held up a poster that appeared to be a meme with alternating words in all capital letters that depicted bald eagles storming the government facilities in Tehran.

“This brings me joy,” she said.

She then held up a poster showing the actual costs of war.

“This does not bring me joy,” she said and discarded it.

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