WASHINGTON — A new superweapon being developed by the Pentagon is set to be the first ever weapon able to spread jobs simultaneously throughout all 435 congressional districts.
The most lethal and expensive military program in history managed to award contracts to Lockheed Martin, Boeing, Raytheon, Northrup Grumman, KBR, L3, Booz Allen Hamilton, Huawei, Ford, Walmart, and Kroger. Experts say the weapon will be so effective at securing funds that it took $40 billion and two decades of planning just to conceptualize and wargame it.
“When they told me this program would be able to create 400 jobs in Idaho’s 2nd district I told them they were crazy,” said GS-15 Tom Dickerman (Lt. Col., USA–Ret.), who, by chance, has also signed contracts to work for Lockheed Martin and KBR after his civilian retirement. “But once we got that one, congressional districts started falling like dominoes. Nebraska’s 3rd, Wyoming. States I’ve never even heard of.”
While the details of the program are highly classified, sources close to the Pentagon say it will be a hybrid of a stealth aircraft, battleship, cloud-computing project, nuclear warhead, camouflage uniform that doesn’t blend in in any environment, chow hall in Afghanistan, and Arabic interpreter who doesn’t speak English or Arabic.
It’s so sensitive, sources say, that the Pentagon brought in hundreds of experts from across the acquisition world to ensure the contracts were written with so much ambiguous, bureaucratic jargon that not even the officers running the program could understand it.
Dickerman says he has never seen a weapon program so impenetrable and robust. He believes not even egregious cost overruns or the obvious uselessness of the weapon will be able to kill it.
“What good fortune that the most essential components of this weapon coincidentally will be built in states where lawmakers really support our efforts, which is all of them,” added Dickerman. “And of course, lethality, God bless the troops, etc., etc.”